My dater’s guide to the tender trap

AS SOMEONE who has been online dating for some time, with mixed results, I have compiled a helpful guide for anyone who is trying to find a partner in this way for the first time. I can reveal there is a big difference between what a man’s profile says and what he really means . . . I hope you don’t mind me sending you so many texts: I’m desperate. Do you work? I’m after your time and money.

You’re so gorgeous and sexy, I feel I’m in love with you already: I’m going to scam you.

Please send me your email, I have a shy

friend who would love you: Hello, stupid, I’m going to scam you. I have a very busy life: I might be able to fit you in on a Tuesday.

Obviously my children/dogs/work

comes first: I might be able to fit you in on a Tuesday.

Sorry, Carol, not Sharon. This blooming predictive text: I can’t keep track of all my online women.

So you don’t live in Bristol? I can’t keep track of all my online women.

I went to college for a while: I got thrown out for drug taking.

I’m ready for a genuine relationship: Swipe right? Looking for love online I now want to slump in front of the TV with a free waitress and home help.

I’ve certainly had an interesting life:

I’ve slept around.

I have all my own teeth: In a jar. Hey/U OK?/hi: I’m as thick as a plank. I’m new to all this dating lark: You’re my guinea pig.

Sorry, I haven’t been in contact for a while, but my phone went down/ I’ve been so busy/I fell asleep: I don’t care a stuff about you.

Dating only — nothing serious: Run for the hills.

Please send a bikini shot: I’m a dirty old man.

What’s your politics? I’m a geek and I’ll never make you feel sexy and wanted.

I was married to the wife from hell:

I was the husband from hell.

Gosh, it’s been six weeks since I was last in touch — how are you? My dates didn’t work out so I’m scraping the barrel.

Yes, I have a job: I’m a bin man, but I’m not telling you that.

I’ll fill in the rest later: I can’t be bothered to make any kind of effort.

I have a great sense of humour:

I moon on buses.

I love children: Only mine. I love animals: My four Staffies sleep in my bed.