I grew up with only hate, so will I ever find love?

DEAR BEL,

I HAD a very hard upbringing in a terrible family; no love, only hate, punishment and fear. I was never treated as a person.

Although I knew I was nothing like those who said and did terrible things to me, the consequences have been profound.

I’m nothing like them because I treat people with respect. Amazingly, perhaps, I have empathy, understanding and patience, and a lot of love to give. I have always longed for a good, loving relationship.

I’ve been single now for two years of sheer hell. A number of dating sites have been horrendous. I am not expecting to find Miss Perfect — in fact I’d feel uneasy if I met such a person.

All I want is a woman full of love who is loyal, faithful, empathetic, considerate and honest.

But my dating experiences have been nothing like this. There are scammers who just want your money and don’t care if they screw up your mind in the process.

Why are many people only on these sites for ego and don’t give a damn how they treat others?

I am so lonely, and just want to be in a loving, happy relationship, but it never happens. Now in my 50s, I can’t see things ever improving. My self-confidence, never that high, is at rock bottom. Some people are happy on their own, but not me. Without a normal, loving relationship, life is really so empty.

I’ve always lived in hope and the only times I’ve known real happiness came when I was in a relationship in which we both madly loved one another and enjoyed doing things together.

Honestly, I’m not so self-obsessed as it might sound. Throughout lockdown and afterwards, I’ve been helping many people I know with shopping and making sure they don’t feel forgotten.

I’m actually not shy and do know how to have fun. People think I’m strong and bounce back from awful experiences, but it’s not true. I’m not strong — just still alive. But existing rather than living.

I have tried other ways of meeting people but none of them have come to anything and have often made me feel even worse. At least on a dating site everyone seems to be looking for the same thing, though in reality it isn’t so. I just don’t know where to go from here and am really desperate. EDMUND

Let me say it moved me greatly that you began your uncut email by telling me you read this column each week and feel ‘gobsmacked’ by ‘some of the heartrending stories’.

Yes, you have empathy. You went on to ‘wonder how people can treat each other like that’.

Well might you puzzle over that bitter reality, given your appallingly sad start in life. We can only imagine the nature of your suffering . . . and weep for the unloved little boy who grew up to be a man in middle-age, still longing for love.

I’d really like to know if you have ever sought help in the form of psychotherapy or counselling to explore your upbringing and attempt to lay the demons to rest.

You ended your original email with a plea for anonymity because you are afraid of your family discovering where you are — and used the term ‘extreme fear’. Rest assured, I always change the names of the readers whose letters I print to protect their identies. But your request worries me. Fear of what?

Surely you really need to talk about this with somebody with professional experience who can help you explore trauma. Do look at the website of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy ( bacp.co.uk) and give serious consideration to finding somebody near you to talk to. In my opinion,

this is far more important at this stage than dating websites.

One thing to explore as well is why your happy relationship didn’t last. You describe it so lyrically (‘we both madly loved one another and enjoyed doing things together’), so it would be helpful to know what went wrong and why. i believe you when you say that you have so much to give a relationship and clearly that worked once. The good aspects of that time need to be built on — but need analysis.

how to meet people and form relationships is a recurring question of any advice column and there are no quick fixes.

You have tried various ways and been disappointed. Yet believe me when i tell you that there are plenty of women who would love to meet a single man like you.

But what can you do about the ‘baggage’ you carry?

Many people have issues but you’re aware you may be more damaged than most.

That’s why i urge you to regard some sort of therapy as an essential investment right now. But please never tell me, ‘i can’t see things ever improving’ — because that’s like pouring poison on a plant.

Those dead, defeated words lock up all the love that’s in your heart by denying that very hope you cling to. Don’t do it. explore the type of help available (look at eMDR therapy, for example) and make this your stepping stone to the next stage of life.