How can I escape my Covid prison?
DEAR BEL,
I’M NOT sure there’s a solution, so I’m writing to express my feelings, as I don’t want to burden friends. Everybody has difficulties, I know.
My situation might seem self-indulgent to those in abusive relationships. I have a loyal husband, unfailingly kind and thoughtful. So why do I feel despondent, powerless, angry — and guilty?
We’re both 73, in a long second marriage. The usual ups and downs: redundancy, loss of pension, downsizing. Then illness. My husband John developed a cancer with serious complications that left him with a damaged immune system. His symptoms control our lives, changing from day to day.
I never know how he will be. He’s always fatigued and takes a complicated regime of medication. He’s very stoical but still (of course) ‘shielded’. Before Covid, I built support into my life. But Pilates, keepfit classes and lunch with friends all had to stop. These were lifesavers and John was always happy for me to go.
He’s a very introverted person and doesn’t seem to need people, apart from me. His married son lives in Norfolk; they text but are not close. I have a married daughter and teenage granddaughter about 18 miles away, but lockdown has made me realise how peripheral we are to their lives. A weekly phone call at best.
I try to be positive but the pandemic has exacerbated my anger about the impact of John’s illness (clearly not his fault), guilt at being selfish and the reality of how powerless we both are to change things. John’s health is not going to improve so I have to deal with this, but I’m finding it very difficult.
BRENDA
TRULY, you have no need to apologise for these feelings, or worry what others might think. i am learning more each day about the terrible fallout from the virus in terms of mental health. even normally strong, high-achieving people (without a sick partner and a life as restricted as yours has to be) have been side-swiped by the past few months and left with a range of negative feelings, from bewilderment to pessimistic apathy to real depression. What’s more, i don’t mind confessing i have teetered on the brink myself. strange as it may seem, i’d liken such emotions to bereavement.
Many people are mourning the life they had — or rather, the life we all had. For all the good memories of clapping and helping and Zooming and ‘Blitz spirit’, there is also the unsettling conviction that our lives were snatched away and we were imprisoned, with fear of what the future may or may not hold. i feel we’re all marking time, try as we might to put one step in front of the other. And yes — it’s grim.
There you are, still forced (by his health) to remain locked in with your lovely husband — but wanting desperately to break out of prison. i completely understand your feelings.
Don’t beat yourself up for being ‘selfish’, but try to work out a way through this very real problem. You see, it’s neither your fault nor John’s; it is the ‘fault’ of the colossal ill-fortune that hit the world in the shape of coronavirus.
have you talked to John about how you feel? Bottling it up will make you feel worse, and i doubt you have to be a martyr to this generous man.
Why not ask one of your friends to make a socially distanced visit, preferable wearing a clear visor-mask so your expression can be seen. (You can buy them online.) if you asked your GP’s advice and explained your mental health is suffering, i am sure he/she would think it possible, with all precautions. Your friend could stand several metres away.
Do you talk to friends on WhatsApp or FaceTime — and if not, why not? Why would this ‘burden’ them?
And what about your daughter and granddaughter? You seem to believe they’re not bothered; i reckon you need to see their faces on a screen and re-make your relationship through ‘meetings’.
You really can put yourself newly in charge in such ways. i agree that how each of us responds to circumstances is a choice. it might help you to keep a daily gratitude notebook in which you write positive things. You may feel that life is diminished, but sound as if you have it in you to rebuild it again. i wish you strength.