How do I tell my family I’m dating a divorced dad of three?

DEAR BEL,

I’M 27 and need advice about whether, and how, I should tell my parents about my older boyfriend, who is divorced with three young children. We met at work two years ago. I was instantly attracted to him, despite his age (he’s 41) and circumstances.

We both have successful careers. He sees his children every weekend — an attentive and loving father — while still making time for us.

He adores and respects me and has never done anything to make me doubt his love. Early on, I told my mum about him but she was instantly dismissive. She said: ‘How could we ever have this person at family gatherings knowing he has children he’s abandoned?’

Unable to cope with family disapproval, I finished with him. But as we work together this was futile and we’ve since gained acceptance by work colleagues and younger post-university friends. Everyone sees how happy we are. The only missing piece is my family.

My parents are still madly in love after 30 years. My older brother is married with a baby; my middle brother has actually met my boyfriend ( he’s in the same industry) and I’m 99 per cent sure he knows what’s going on. Since I’m so close to my family and we have a loving, supportive relationship, my mum would be devastated to know I’d kept all of this from her for so long.

But she has such delusional dreams of me marrying a Swiss billionaire that I just can’t face her disappointment. While stable and successful, my boyfriend is a bit rough around the edges, while I’m the privately educated middleclass cliché.

Keeping this from them is tearing me up inside. While my boyfriend is extremely patient, we’ve agreed that I either need to let them know or we end it, as we can’t do ordinary things like go on holiday.

I don’t want to lose him as I believe I’ve found the person to make me happy for the rest of my life. But I just don’t know how to tell my family, or how to be strong enough to withstand their disapproval and disappointment when I do.

While I’m confident and happy in my social, professional and love life, my family’s wonderful trait of being extremely opinionated turns me (the baby) into a little mouse when I’m around them.

I worry about this every day and know I need to be strong and tell them. But how do I do it?

SAMANTHA

Forgive me, but i find it hard to understand why a successful career woman of 27 is afraid of telling her parents about her twoyear relationship with a decent man; indeed, why a family described in such glowing terms should sound, to an outsider, insufferably domineering.

Anybody would think we were living in a past age, where parental approval was paramount and depended on wealth, status and class.

of course, all loving parents want the very best for their children and dread them falling for somebody who will drag them down, ill-treat them or prove unfaithful. i understand that. But it’s not for parents to dictate or to make judgments; when you first told your mother about your chap, her response was pretty dreadful.

Yes, she would say she had your interests at heart because few mothers want their girls to fall for an older divorced man with kids; a partner with ‘baggage’ can make life complicated.

But her brutal dismissal led to this two-year secrecy. Had you been stronger, you would have talked it through further at the time and told her you intend to work out your own destiny.

As it was, it was the weakness you confess to that led to this impasse. i think you know that — so you have to do something about it as soon as

possible. Your boyfriend is just 14 years older than you and a loving father as well as a successful man. You love each other. What on earth is wrong with any of that? The age gap is nothing compared with some.

But you mention that he is ‘rough around the edges’ (whatever that means), the clear implication being that your family is rather snobbish. Your mother sounds like any bossy, ambitious Mama in Jane Austen — and frankly I don’t think she should be allowed to cherish these damaging ‘ delusional dreams’ any longer.

If you are so truly ‘close’ to your ‘wonderful’ family, Samantha, you should be able to talk to them and tell them what you want. If you can’t, then I’m afraid the closeness is as delusional as your mother’s fantasies.

It’s absurd that you are still skulking around, afraid to go on holiday!

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, assuming she wants the best for you, it’s for you to let her know unequivocally how good your man is, how you see a future with him (and a child of your own?) and how happy you are.

How else is she going to know? It’s time for you to stop being a little mouse — start to be a real woman and stand up for the man you love.