Set him free to follow his dreams

Thank you for your sad letter. Perhaps the only consolation I can offer is that you’re far from being the only person in the country to feel this way. Even the best relationships came under huge pressure during lockdown, and there are plenty that emerged in tatters.

neither, of course, is your poor husband the only person facing redundancy. Covid has blown apart many people’s lives in many different ways and it feels to me as though the world is changing almost by the minute.

I’d be amazed if your desire to end the marriage comes as a surprise to him. Unless you’re terrifically good at covering up your feelings, or he is a particularly unobservant chap, then he must know, deep down, that it’s got to a point of crisis.

Even if he’s happy without a sex life and, actually, there are an awful lot more sexless marriages out there than we’re led to believe, he must be aware that the constant sniping and getting on each other’s nerves is a recipe for mutual misery.

Indeed, it may be that once you tell him what you want, in an honest and unemotional way, he feels nothing but relief.

I have to say I couldn’t stand the thought of being in a marriage with someone who felt as you do. If Steph stopped loving me, I would want her to leave right away, or I would go.

There may even be merit in everything going wrong for him at once. his marriage is stuck in an irretrievable rut. For decades he’s been slogging for a company which doesn’t value him. Would it be so terrible if both those things changed?

With some time to digest it all, he’s looking at opportunity, not disaster. Single again, and free of responsibility towards you and the routine of nine-to-five, there’s scope for him to change everything about his life.

Perhaps he’s always dreamt of going to work in a bar on a Thai beach. Well, now he can! When the good Lord sends you lemons, make brandy sours or, at the least, a very stiff gin and tonic.

I’m being flippant, but there’s truth here. Looked at like this, there is no need for you to feel guilty that you are ‘abandoning’ him. You are setting him free.

I share your fears (in your longer letter) about getting the lawyers involved immediately. Instead, tell him how you feel and suggest you work together on plans for your separation. You loved him once and you share children, after all — the legal bits can come later.

aim for an ending that is gradual and amicable and points towards a better future for you both. n