What are you doing now says my husband as I lie on the floor, feet against the wall, endlessly pummelling my thighs
with protein-rich lean meat, fish, eggs, cottage cheese, nuts and seeds. I’d assumed a low- calorie diet would be best at banishing cellulite, but Kate says it can make things worse as low-calorie is often low-protein, too.
Beyond protein, the bulk of my diet should be ‘diuretic’ veg — cucumber, carrots, ginger and garlic. exercise is obligatory — as a starting point, 10,000 steps a day. If, that is, I have time with all that brushing, massaging and oiling.
WEEK 2 Weight: 10 st 10 lb Upper-thigh measurement: 28.5 in
I’M FLIPPING an oat bran pancake with more than a hint of self-pity. I’m supposed to eat some bran every day, and Kate has suggested I mix it with egg white and fromage frais, then fry it. ‘Oat bran is integral to the diet as it’s sustaining and rich in protein and fibre.’ She describes it as acting like ‘flypaper in the intestine’, taking away the undesirable stuff.
While this all sounds fine in theory, the practice is less successful. ‘ Yuk, that looks absolutely disgusting,’ says my son Dash, six. Agreeing, I throw the ‘pancakes’ in the bin and instead sprinkle some bran on top of plain yoghurt, which is a boring breakfast, but not revolting.
By lunchtime, a few handfuls of leaves and a strip of smoked salmon definitely don’t make me feel full, especially when the rest of my family are scoffing ham and cheese toasties. But I manage to avoid white bread and pasta, swapping it for brown rice and pulses. We’ve started eating more meat, since most evenings I’m so hungry that what I really crave is a steak. My husband, a natural carnivore, is delighted. And I drink gallons of tea and coffee, with skimmed milk, of course, while saving the odd glass of wine or two for the weekends. Kate had advised that the plan works best with no alcohol, but concedes that the odd treat is fine. On the other hand, I’m relieved to learn that keeping to the recommended 10,000 steps a day isn’t that hard when you’re running after children. Inspired, I also force myself on a 20-minute run a couple of times a week, and swim once a week in the bracing river Thames near my home in Oxfordshire.
WEEKS 3 & 4 Weight: 10 st 9 lb Upper-thigh measurement: 28 in
‘WHAT on earth are you doing now?’ says my long- suffering husband when he finds me lying on my back on our bedroom floor, feet pressed against the wall.
He had got used to me spending extra time in the shower, endlessly brushing and pummelling my thighs and calves, but now Kate has told me to give my lymph an extra boost by elevating my legs to increase blood flow (lifting them above your heart stops blood pooling in the lower legs and encourages circulation).
I’ve noticed my legs seem most puffy and ‘heavy’ when I first get up, so I add this to my morning routine. ‘cellulite is not about fat, it’s about flow,’ say Kate.
For targeted attacks on cellulite when it’s at its worst, such as when it’s hot, or after a night out, Kate has also given me cellu-Lite oil, scented with rosemary, juniper and pine. This must be massaged into the legs using a circu-Lite (right), a small rubber suction cup you push against your legs, boosting deep drainage.
During the heatwave, I’m definitely feeling the effects so I start using the circu- Lite each morning, too. It’s a little fiddly, especially combined with the slippery oil, but as long as I don’t have an audience of my three younger children staring at me, I’ve started to enjoy sitting on the bath working on my skin. And my legs definitely feel different.
WEEKS 5 & 6 Weight: 10 st 7 lb Upper-thigh measurement: 27.5 in
I’ve BeeN struggling with the diet side of things, but with strawberries, raspberries and blueberries in greater abundance, I sigh with relief, and whip up smoothies using skimmed milk, which I jealously guard from my children.
Kate says: ‘Dark fruit like berries is excellent because it’s a good antioxidant source; melon, apricots, oranges, peaches — fruits that are more than 80 per cent water — help to flush the system.
‘But remember too that fruit can be high in sugar. The most important thing is the way you eat comes easily, otherwise you stop doing it.’
So I also allow myself the occasional banana, which is high in potassium, a natural diuretic. Sometimes, for speed and convenience, I admit I cheat — one night I had the pasta sauce I’d made for the kids with a big plate of steamed vegetables and potatoes, which are not strictly allowed, rather than make something separate for myself.
But I’ve found a way to resist sugary treats: if the kids are tucking into ice cream, I make my excuses and retreat to the bathroom to give my thighs a quick brush, which I am finding oddly addictive.
And, drumroll please, by week five, I’ve noticed a real difference on the back of my thighs, which are smoother than they have been for a long time. As the heatwave continues, I even pull out a pair of shorts from the back of my cupboard that I haven’t been able to fit into since my 30s.
WEEKS 7 & 8 Weight: 10 st 6 lb Upper-thigh measurement: 27.5 in
MY creAM, oil and massage routine has become second nature and I honestly look forward to the cool, tingling sensation as the best part of my morning. ‘Not more body brushing?’ my husband says as I hog the shower, yet again. But my legs really feel, as Kate said they might, ‘livelier’.
I’ve also exercised more than I might otherwise have done, mostly brisk walking and swimming in the river near my house — Kate encourages aerobic activity that targets areas prone to cellulite like the hips and bum.
As for the ‘ nutritional tweaks’ (diet), well I can’t deny it’s been tough at times.
The fact my vegetable garden was obliging with lots of fresh food made it less arduous than it might have been in late winter, when inseason carby parsnips and turnips are what my veg box usually throws out.
My legs are smoother and leaner than they have been in years. My cellulite has massively reduced, to the extent I no longer feel selfconscious about it and happily wear shorts and little dresses.
It hasn’t quite vanished, which surely would take some kind of witchcraft, but the dimpling really has almost gone. And the measuring tape bears that out. I can’t believe I’ve lost an inch and a half from each thigh.
Would I really spend £224 for the privilege? It’s a shocking number. But honestly, as a one-time thing, it was worth it for the results. I’ve used the products quite sparingly, so I’ve got enough left over to see me through the start of the ‘maintenance phase’.
My next challenge? How to fit my new routine around the school run in September.