Tell him the bedroom door is shut

STEPH SAYS:

IT TOOK guts to air this problem and I’m sure you’re far from alone in your plight. I’m sure your courage will help legions of women.

By asking for our opinion you have started to take control of this problem, not crumbling under the weight of it.

This is a very real and very serious issue. I do understand the fluctuations between male and female libidos. The chemicals we have flying around our bodies are different to those flooding through men. In every long term relationship there will be a mismatch of desire at some point, and both parties need to be understanding of this.

Of course you shouldn’t have sex with your husband if you don’t want to. I think you’ve worried about this for so long that you don’t know how to proceed. Well, I say: you’ve done your bit lady! I know this is a huge elephant in the room, but you must be brave enough to broach it with him now.

It’s time to slam on the brakes. Tell him in no uncertain terms that the bedroom door is shut, and it will remain shut until you’ve sorted this out to your satisfaction — not his.

You are not a plaything, and his sexual attention is not affection. He’s pestering you and emotionally blackmailing you, which makes me uncomfortable. You have to tell him, in no uncertain terms, everything that you have said to me in your (longer) letter. And he needs to listen — this is not a discussion, it is you telling him how much his behaviour is affecting you.

At the moment, everything is about him and it’s time to make it about you. My instinct here is to suggest you see a therapist, either alone or together. If he doesn’t want to, then go alone.

You’ve been trying to solve this problem in isolation for years. He is not listening to you and he is not reading your signals — that’s the bit that worries me the most.

Tell him you don’t want to spend the rest of your days trying to avoid him! You love him, but this is putting you under intolerable strain.

Be firm. Sleep in the spare room, create a distance. And don’t give in. He’s going to be surly? Well, tough. You have done everything you possibly can to change his attitude towards this subject — and towards you.

Tell him that this is not a rejection of him, but a rejection of his constant pestering. Your love for him is being eroded by his behaviour. You would like that to be fixed and you know you can’t fix it alone. You need a trained professional to guide you both through this.