Should I break the law to visit my poorly, frail mum?

DEAR BEL,

MY MUM is 87 and has type 2 diabetes, heart failure and rheumatoid and osteoarthritis. She is housebound and has signs of dementia.

These conditions make her extremely vulnerable and I am very worried in case she picks up Covid-19. I am sad to say that I have not seen her since lockdown, although we speak regularly on the phone.

Luckily, my youngest sister lives with her husband a ten-minute walk away and visits Mum regularly and does her shopping.

Mum is independent and will not let anyone help if she can do it herself. I have two sisters and we agreed, between ourselves, that it made sense for our youngest sister to form a ‘support bubble’ with Mum and she was quite happy to do that.

We knew from the outset that we could be in this position for at least a year, but wanted to do everything to protect Mum from potential harm.

Now, however, it appears that the sister caring for my mum is bad-mouthing us to her for not visiting. I reckon she doesn’t believe there is a pandemic and tells us we are pathetic for staying away.

My daughters were upset they were also being criticised (on Facebook) for not visiting their gran.

I’ve tried to tell Mum, when I ring, that we would be breaking the law if we went into her house, especially as her area is under local restrictions. But she thinks it’s all rubbish and my sister has made her believe that no one else cares except for her.

Would these circumstances be classed as exceptional, or would I be breaking the law by visiting Mum? I don’t know what to do. JUDITH

Some readers will think me the last person to answer this question, since a week ago I nailed my rebellious colours to the mast and rejected the Government’s latest Covid initiative, now known as the ‘rule of six’ (see today’s And Finally for more of what I think).

Nevertheless you asked and so I will attempt to reply — since this is about harmony within your family, as well as your mother’s welfare.

You give no details of where you and your mother and youngest sister live — or what their local restrictions are — so I cannot know what ‘law’ you would be breaking, or whether your circumstances would be ‘exceptional’.

Therefore, I can only deal with large instincts which, to me, take the form of putting the family first. others do not feel that way — and they are, of course, entitled to their views.

You say you haven’t seen your mother since the beginning of lockdown and that makes you ‘sad’. Is that because you feel guilty?

During lockdown many people did visit their elderly parents (not in care homes) and stood several yards away from them, being seen, having a chat and making them feel loved.

Nothing could have stopped me from acting in this way. You will know why you didn’t — and I totally sympathise with your confusion.

But what remains is your mother’s inability to understand what she sees as neglect, as well as your sister’s anger.

You and your non-visiting sister need to have a proper talk (on Zoom or FaceTime?) with your carer sister as soon as possible — not to berate her for ‘bad-mouthing’ you, but to express your gratitude that she is caring for mum and ask what you can do to make things better.

You could also ask if she could help your mother to FaceTime or WhatsApp, since it would be so much more pleasing than phone calls and

Come let us pity those who are better off than we are Come my friend and remember That the rich have butler sand no friends, And we have friends and no butlers. Ezra Pound (U.S. poet and critic, 1885-1972)

she could see your daughters, too. if your sister just says, ‘Get in the car and come and visit’, ask her for proper clarification on the local issue.

as for me, i would go and visit — in the belief that, at 87 and in a poor state of health, your mother might think a socially distanced sight of her family (before winter hits — and maybe a return to total lockdown) more important than fear of catching the virus.

That is certainly what my own mother, who is 96, thinks and (i repeat) no power in the world will keep me away from the parents who need my husband and me. But, in the end, these are personal decisions.

i just hope you can make your mother feel better — and by so doing, yourself, too.