Can I tell my daughter she’s dangerously fat?

DEAR BEL,

AT 77, I am happy living alone. I have three grandsons who live far away, so I usually see them about twice a year.

I have two daughters. One of them is 47 and slim, but my other daughter is as wide as she is tall and that is my problem — how to talk to her about it. She is 43, about 5ft 6in and weighs about 18 st 12 lb.

She has a degree in accountancy and a very good job. As far as I know she is happy living with a partner who appears worldly and kind, but, alas, they have no children.

With your wisdom, common sense, tact and know-how, I wonder if you can advise me about my concerns over her health.

How do I say without hurting her feelings that her weight is probably leading her to an early demise?

Is it possible that any loving effort on my part might alienate her? I don’t know what to do. MATTHEW

This issue crops up regularly in the news in terms of guidelines for medical professionals. should they ever use the words ‘obese’ or (worse) ‘fat’?

is it even right to suggest that a patient is overweight — when obviously that condition will have a detrimental effect on health?

i’m afraid i’m old school. if my GP (back when i could see one) could tell me that i should cut down on alcohol, why is it unacceptable to suggest a man or woman cut down on food in order to attain a healthy weight?

Obesity is a national crisis that needs to be tackled. But within the family . . . i’m not so sure.

Your concern for your daughter is clearly sincere, but should you speak to her? is she likely to take offence and feel alienated?

i suspect she would. Worse, would she think you unkind and be terribly hurt on hearing the truth from your lips? Probably. This is such a hard issue, with tact and kindness all important. We have to weigh the sincerity of our feelings against the possible price of honesty. To speak your mind, even if motivated by a loving heart, can cause harsh words and even an unbridgeable rift.

in any case, would an adult daughter, a professional woman, be likely to listen to the wisdom of her old dad? somehow i doubt it.

Do you get on with her partner? Might it be possible to speak to him, expressing your worries — and mentioning the real danger Covid-19 presents to the obese? You could ask — stressing absolute confidence — whether she has any underlying reasons for her weight, and whether she has tried any sort of diet.

he may say she is happy as she is — and so is he. if that’s the case, there’s nothing you can do. But if her partner shares your anxiety, he would be the person to speak to her. in the end, we parents have to accept the limitation of what we can say to adult children.