Daily Mail

Passport to Tunbridge Wells

- LITTLE JOHN richard.littlejohn@dailymail.co.uk

THe Government keeps insisting that there’ll be no hard border in Ireland when the Brexit transition period ends. But there will be one in Kent, apparently.

Lorry drivers will need a permit to enter the county to prove they have the correct eU customs documentat­ion.

The measure has been drawn up to avoid congestion at the ports of Dover and Folkestone and the eurostar terminal at Ashford.

regardless of whether or not there’s a trade deal, the Government fears the eU’s intention to check all goods from Britain will lead to tailbacks of up to 7,000 lorries on major roads to the coast.

Funny how the French authoritie­s plan rigorously to inspect every truck arriving at Calais from the UK but are unable or unwilling to stop tens of thousands of migrants heading in the opposite direction.

Still, if British drivers don’t have the right papers, they could be turned back, clogging cross-Channel crossings.

Ministers have decided that the best way to avoid chaos at the ports is to issue all lorries entering Kent with a special pass. Michael Gove, the man in charge of preparatio­ns for our departure from the single market, warns that too few exporters have made the necessary arrangemen­ts to ensure smooth passage into europe.

He’s also worried that ‘ our neighbours will decline to be pragmatic’. In other words, the eU intends to make our lives as difficult as possible.

They hate the idea that Britain will be successful outside the european bloc and are determined to cause maximum disruption, despite our Government offering not to erect any barriers to free trade.

Predictabl­y, our goodwill has not been reciprocat­ed by ‘ our neighbours’. Instead of acknowledg­ing the United Kingdom as a sovereign nation, eU negotiator­s, under that dismal technocrat Michel Barnier, still think they can treat us as supplicant­s.

Look at the way they refuse to give us the same kind of trade deal they have already agreed with other independen­t countries like Canada.

They’re trying to force us to submit to the continued jurisdicti­on of the european Court and are demanding unrestrict­ed access to our fishing waters as the minimum price of any trade deal. Two can play at that game. Ministers should respond by guaranteei­ng retaliatio­n if our exports are deliberate­ly impeded.

The eU must be left in no doubt that we will turn back every truck carrying French cheese, Italian wine and thousands of other european products — at least until they have been subjected to months of scrutiny by customs officers and trading standards inspectors at a dedicated new port of entry on Hayling Island.

ATrADe war is in nobody’s best interests, but don’t bet against the eU bureaucrac­y being ready to self-harm simply to damage Britain as a warning to any other country considerin­g breaking free.

while Gove is right to put precaution­s in place, it’s depressing to hear one of the politician­s who led the official Leave campaign spouting Project Fear-style propaganda. Among the scare stories put about by remain was that post-Brexit Kent would be turned into a giant lorry park.

It still may not happen. In fact, it probably won’t.

But even if the eU fails to create a border between Britain and Northern Ireland, who could possibly have thought they’d succeed in forcing the Government to issue permits to lorry drivers entering Kent from elsewhere in england?

Gove says enforcemen­t will be seamless and unobtrusiv­e, using low-key policing and numberplat­e recognitio­n technology.

Yet given the authoritar­ian pig’s ear ministers have made of the Covid crisis, we’ll probably end up with Army checkpoint­s at the mouth of the Dartford Tunnel and £10,000 fines for drivers who try to cross into Kent without the proper papers.

This all sounds a bit Passport To Pimlico, the glorious 1949 ealing comedy about an area of London which broke free of British rule after discoverin­g evidence that it was legally part of the historic House of Burgundy.

Might Kent County Council follow suit and issue a unilateral declaratio­n of independen­ce?

In the movie, starring Stanley Holloway and Margaret rutherford, Pimlico was liberated instantly from Britain’s grim post-war deprivatio­ns — food, fuel and clothing rationing, and strict licensing laws.

Just think of the limitless possibilit­ies of a Free Kent, under a provisiona­l government in royal Tunbridge wells. No social distancing, no face masks, no curfews, no officious hi-viz Covid marshals prowling the streets, handing out spot fines. No nosy neighbours grassing you up to the Old Bill. No wFH.

Pubs and restaurant­s could open all hours and serve as many customers as they can accommodat­e.

You could hug your grandchild­ren and no one would be able to tell you how many people you can meet in your own home.

Theatres and nightclubs would be packed. Crowds would be allowed back at football matches and race meetings.

Tourists and investors would flock to the Garden of england.

MARGATE Would soon become the most popular staycation spot in europe, not just the destinatio­n of choice for Jolly Boys Outings and drunken hen nights.

Airbnb would be inundated with requests for oast houses to rent. The traditiona­l hop fields of Darling Buds Of May country would be revived. Perfick! The government in Tunbridge wells could even issue its own reserve currency, backed up by several tonnes of gold bullion never recovered from the Brink’s- Mat robbery and still believed to be buried deep in the Kent countrysid­e.

Soon Kent would be the most fashionabl­e province in europe. Folkestone and Dover would become bustling freeports.

Manston Airport would expand to replace Heathrow as an internatio­nal hub — and in no time Michel Barnier would be flying in to beg for a free trade agreement between Kent and the eU.

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