But darling, all I’ve done is try to help

SASHA SWIRE’S (right) Diary Of an MP’s Wife reveals that in 2010, PM David Cameron was still in thrall to the ravings of his hippy-dippy director of strategy Steve hilton. One of Steve’s brainwaves was a plan to insert a list of ten relationship tips into every Ikea flatpack.

This was to help couples negotiate those moments of extreme stress that come with bolting together their Billy bookcase or Klippan sofa. So the Government has no business interfering in domestic strife — but was it such a terrible idea? Girls, we all need help sometimes, so here are my tips to get couples through the ordeal...

1. YOU’VE already been to the store and cried. at home, you argue for three hours solid before even opening the box. Don’t go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.

2. THIS is a two-person assembly, so be ready to paddle in the flatpack canoe together. Listen to what he says. There’s a first time for everything.

3. ASK questions when things start to go wrong. Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I have no skills? Do you wish your first wife was here helping? These are all helpful interjections.

4. EXPLAIN to him that Ikea is Swedish for ‘argument’.

5. POINT out that there are arrows instead of written instructions, in case he hasn’t noticed.

6. DARK wood or beech, white or grey, birch or ash? This is no time to discuss the colour of your new highlights, so stay focused on the job.

7. WHEN he shouts about screws you misplaced, explain that you have a hammer in your hand so maybe now isn’t the time to provoke you.

8. POINT out every instance when he does something wrong. This is vital.

9. MAKE a funny joke when the shelves fall off. ‘allen Keys? I loved him in Titanic 2.’

10. MOST important. Only point out that you have never liked his mother if the whole thing collapses at 3am and you have to start again.