My prudish wife used to have ‘risky’ sex
DEAR BEL,
I AM 59 and my wife is 57. It’s a second marriage for both of us (20 years) and we don’t have children together.
As men, we all joke that we cannot fathom a female mind and, true to form, I’m totally flummoxed by my wife’s.
We’ve always had a problem with sex in that we are a mismatch of desire levels. She has always (apart from the very beginning of our relationship) proudly claimed that she has no sex drive/ desire.
In fact, she says she ‘never has’. She has told me frankly that her lack of interest in sex was a problem in her first marriage and she seems perfectly comfortable for it to be a problem in our marriage as well. She refuses to try to get any help/checks from her doctor.
Now here’s the twist . Recently, she admitted to me a string of ‘one-night stands’ after her first marriage collapsed, including some ‘ risky’ sex situations outdoors.
Yet I know her only as an almost prudish, very ‘ straight’ and (almost totally) sexually uptight woman. What’s going on, Bel? I’m very confused and don’t know what to think.
JOHN
Often I’m asked about common problems — not hard, since certain issues come up repeatedly. this is one. Sometimes I dare to generalise that women are interested in relationships and men are interested in sex — knowing that’s far too simplistic.
Still, your letter reminds me of the uncomfortable kernel of truth. An old truth, too. this is a short Japanese poem dating back to the 6th century AD: ‘Oh yes,’ she says, ‘we’re
married, ‘Very much so,’ says she Wedging the bed-clothes under
her hip Turning her back on me.
that long-ago man in his silk robes was just as confused, sad and irritated as you feel now.
If people ask if sex is very important in a marriage I always say, ‘It depends’ — though most advicegivers and therapists tend to answer: ‘Of course it is.’
Yet if sex between a long-married couple fizzles out to be replaced by deep companionship and mutual need, then it need not matter at all — but only if both feel the same.
I find it rather limited when people make the assumption that sex is always absolutely essential to closeness. It isn’t. What most matters, and cannot be skipped, is communication and understanding — especially if there is a problem.
for you, your wife’s lack of interest in sex is a disappointment. You complain, ‘She refuses to try to get any help/checks from her doctor’ — but I hope you realise that, postmenopause, it is quite normal for a woman to lose her libido. Some don’t, but a far greater number do. She is unlikely to ‘get help’ if she is quite happy with the situation.
I can see it’s sad for you — and I’d happily suggest you (separately or together) talk to Relate. But if your wife doesn’t accept she has a physical problem, she’s hardly likely to be keen.
now for her confession that after her first marriage ended she had a lot of sex. I guess you think she must have changed from her former ‘not bothered’ attitude and enjoyed it.
But perhaps she didn’t — not really. Maybe she was just going along with it all because she was afraid of ending up alone. Maybe she hated it and felt cheap. Have you asked her about this — with genuine curiosity?
Have you sought to explore her feelings, not as a cunning plan to get her into bed, but because you are genuinely interested? the last time I wrote something like that on this page I got some angry emails from guys who said they’ve tried all that talking stuff and it got them nowhere!
they seemed to think me unfeeling, but that’s wrong. I do understand — it’s just that I can do nothing about it.
You, John, are ‘confused’ — and I sympathise with you because I know it matters to you.
But the only way forward is to try to explore your wife’s feelings, and her memories, and be tenderly open about your own. Only you can try unravelling that confusion.
As you both move into your 60s you (and all of us) have to come to terms with changes in our bodies as well as the shortfall in happiness within our minds and hearts.
It’s normal to remain angrily puzzled by life until we die — but wiser to talk to your partner and work out how you can accommodate each other’s needs, probably with little sacrifices and mutual acts of generosity.