Do you just want to be a Mrs?

STEPH SAYS:

OK, first things first. Your fiancé is 52, you’re 40, and you’ve been together for eight years — with half of that time under the same roof, so it’s clear to me that you are both comfortable with the arrangement you have.

It is also clear that marriage means something different to you than it does to him.

He probably feels you’re as good as married, while you feel anything but.

It seems to me that you feel insecure about your status and are concerned about how your friends and family perceive you.

You seem to be hanging on to your Disney dream of a big, white wedding. You’re caught between the fantasy of how you want your life to be and the reality of your comfortable relationship.

But just because it’s comfortable does not mean it’s right.

One thing really bothers me: there is no mention of love. You haven’t written to say your heart is breaking because he’s the love of your life and you’re terrified he doesn’t feel the same.

There’s no romance here. This is just two people sharing the same living space — one wants to get married, the other doesn’t. It couldn’t be clearer.

You have probably known this for a while. The proposal came after a row at someone else’s wedding. You were worried at how you’re perceived by friends and family and bullied him into it. And it took a year for him to produce a ring, which was tiny.

The ring is hugely symbolic, but not because of its size. Choosing a ring together is one of the loveliest things a couple can do. You wear it as a sign of your love for the rest of your married life, after all.

So the fact he picked it alone, after dragging his heels for a year, probably knowing you’d be disappointed by it, is a bad sign. You must ask yourself honestly: is this what you want for the rest of your life?

It’s time to be brutally honest — first with yourself, and then with your fiancé. Have a large gin and tonic and get it straight in your head. Think about your own truth. If you wake up tomorrow and this man is not in your future, can you live with it?

If you can’t, and you’re happy to stay not-married, it’s a different matter. But I bet it isn’t.

This is your future and you only have one shot. He has to be the love of your life; if he isn’t, then it doesn’t matter how much you want to be a ‘Mrs’.

Be brave and ask yourself the question, then put it to him. If the answer means restarting your life, at least you know you took control of the ending — and that will give you the courage to propel yourself forward.