I’m isolated and feel so jealous of my friend’s perfect life

DEAR BEL,

I’M HAVING a very hard time dealing with the isolation of Covid. I’m single and live alone, with no partner or children. My depression has become worse over the past few months.

The problem concerns a friend who lives in New Zealand, where the virus is more contained and life is basically back to normal.

My friend calls all the time via Skype, and I’m beginning to feel that it’s always all about her.

She’s having a nice life, going out and meeting friends, dating — she met someone recently and it seems serious.

By contrast, I live in fear of the virus and mostly stay home alone. I feel she uses me as a sounding board for everything. I feel I spend so much time listening to her that I’m ignoring my own life.

She sucks a lot of energy from me, and more and more I feel like a fraud, acting like I’m happy for her and giving support, when I’m feeling bitter.

It’s not that I’m not happy for her, but honestly I’m jealous and just can’t deal with her lovely social life when I’m so sad. I’m not sure what to do. I’d like to put some distance between our friendship.

Lately, whenever we speak —almost daily — I end up feeling quite depressed. What do you advise?

LOUISE

There is a perfect storm of feelings within this apparently simple email. Let’s pull out the words one by one: ‘alone…depression… fear… bitter… jealous… sad’.

The loneliness you describe (‘no partner or children’) has been made so much worse because you ‘live in fear of the virus’ — and your helpless pain at the situation is now projected upon the friend you now resent because she has what you cannot have.

So painful have your feelings become that you’d rather withdraw from her than be forced to hear about her good life, in stark contrast to your misery.

You give no indication of your age, which is a pity. For unless you are old and with health issues (which I doubt) I will suggest gently that it is probably your fear of Covid that is poisoning your life, and not your friend’s sharing of her activities in New Zealand.

Your letter is a reminder of the fact that the real pandemic in our country at the moment is that of psychological problems caused by the virus. Waiting times for people with disabling, unstable, chronic conditions have soared — and anxiety has spread.

Mental health services are overwhelmed, with little face-toface contact — and so on. The situation is dire and everything the

Government threatens makes the nation’s depression worse.

Your very first sentence isolates this issue. I’d be curious to know whether you felt ‘bitter’ and ‘jealous’ of your friend last year, or whether the fact that you’re voluntarily withdrawing from the world because you are terrified of the virus has turned you against her.

If so, it’s your fear that’s the danger, not your friend. I suggest you need to see terror as toxic and tackle that, rather than ditch her company via Skype.

Of course, she may be prattling on in a self-absorbed way — in which case, why do you have to be a ‘fraud’?

Why not tell her the truth? Ask for her understanding? We’ve all had selfish friends and sometimes they can become so demanding you have to turn away for your own good.

But is that really the case here? If you drop this friend, won’t you feel lonelier than ever? You say all the listening you do has the effect of making you ‘ignore my own life’. But I could argue that anything that briefly makes you forget your isolation is good.

If you feel you want to limit the Skype contact because her selfabsorption is getting you down, then fine. The question is, what are you going to do with that time?

Do you have local friends you see regularly? I’d work hard to keep in touch by technology and see people face to face as much as possible (OK, two metres apart). Go out,

masked- up — since even interaction in a shop matters.

Have you signed up to interesting online magazines and forums (like spiked and unherd) as well as uplifting sites such as Welldoing and The Daily Om? Also, don’t forget the charity Mind ( mind.org. uk/coronavirus-we-are-here-foryou). These days, without going out much we can spend time online feeding mind and spirit.

We’re more fortunate than previous generations because the world can come to our door. Do you listen to music? Keep up with issues? When your friend calls you need to have things to discuss, rather than being the tense face which smiles, then resents in private.