I bet there’s a mistress elsewhere

STEPH SAYS:

THIS must have been a painful letter to write. and I feel frustrated because I am powerless to help you achieve what you want: to make him stay.

Sadly, the die is cast, and that window of opportunity has passed — his secrecy has ensured you don’t have a voice.

Finding his email must have been deeply shocking, but this is happening, despite you being in the dark about it.

My focus is on helping you weather this terribly sad breakup. Don’t tell him you know — yet. there will be a right time to do this.

he has set his wheels in motion, so you must do the same. Stay quiet. Use this time to get your ducks in a row. he is already armed with a lawyer, so find (a better) one for yourself.

If you know of anyone who has been through a divorce, ask them for recommendations and advice. this will give you back a sense of control, which you lack now. If you treat this as a practical problem that has to be solved, you’ll find it easier to put your emotions to one side.

One thing I think you should address is your apparent guilt at not having had children with your husband. You must banish all negative thoughts over this. You are not breaking the hearts of children if you split and that’s an important plus in my book.

Secondly, people don’t marry in order to have children. they may have children in the course of a typical marriage, yes, but that’s not the reason for getting married in the first place.

People get married because they’re in love and intend to stay that way. though, sadly, not in every case.

I have a weird feeling about your situation: I think there may be a third party waiting in the wings. Men can be weak emotionally and need to have someone — a ‘pillow-warmer’ if you like — in their lives

In my experience, men don’t just leave, or go as far as seeking legal advice, without an attractive reason. he is in touch with a solicitor, so it’s not a half-baked idea — and my money’s on there being a mistress elsewhere.

You could get locked into a negative spiral here. Nobody would blame you for digging away trying to find the other woman, yelling at him, losing it in general. But I urge you, instead, to choose to protect your own mental health.

Once you have a plan of action, inform him that you have known his intentions for some time, then elegantly show him the door.

Be strong. Be resolute. and whatever happens, never apologise for his mistake. Good luck!