SEX, DRUGS AND A TALE THAT FIZZLED OUT...

AND now a return to an occasional series entitled: imagine if that were football. Oisin Murphy, Britain’s champion jockey, received a three-month ban after testing positive for cocaine. He explained to the French racing authorities that he had sex with a woman who transpired to be a cocaine user the night before taking three rides and failing a test at Chantilly on July 19. Unfortunately, he could not identify the woman to France Galop, the French racing authority, as she had requested privacy through her lawyers. This is a story that appears to have all the right ingredients — sex, drugs and, through Murphy’s status at the pinnacle of his sport, no little rock ’n’ roll. Yet it fizzled to nothing. The news made no more than a few paragraphs in most media outlets, with no follow-ups, no suspicion, no judgements, no quizzical pursuit of the mystery woman. No awkward questions to Qatar Racing, where Murphy is the No 1 jockey, or the QIPCO British Champions Series, where he is an ambassador. And France Galop accepted his explanation — meaning Murphy will serve a reduced ban, ending March 11, and return before all the major meetings in spring. Now, imagine if that were football.

OPPONENTS of Premier league parachute payments will view the current Championship table as exhibit a, with the three relegated clubs first, second and third. This, however, is an anomaly. If norwich, Watford and Bournemouth do return at the first time of asking, it will be the sole such promotion in Premier league history. To get even two of three clubs back at the first attempt has happened only five times — most recently in 2015-16. By comparison, no relegated teams returning has occurred on 10 occasions and the most common reappearance is just one. Parachute payments offer little assurance.

GEORGE OSBORNE wanted David Beckham as sports minister, it is said. Oh, how they laugh. Yet, given the parade of absolute mediocrities that have been through that department in recent years, what exactly would be the problem? It is said he wouldn’t have been intellectually rigorous. What, and that lot were?