That’s ripe! Archer gives away cheese to greedy Zoom guests

He has befriended everyone from multi-millionaires to murderers, which is presumably one of the reasons that the great — and the sometimes not so good — fall over themselves to secure an invitation to his legendary Christmas parties.

But Jeffrey archer’s era as the supreme host in Westminster society has now come shuddering to a close. Temporarily, at least.

‘Our annual Champagne and shepherd’s Pie party is not taking place — for the first time in 47 years,’ the irrepressible Jeffrey alerts friends, in a missive sent jointly with wife Mary.

The news will be a hammer-blow to those addicted to archer’s showmanship (‘Past the Monet,’ he advises those seeking the bathroom at his stunning penthouse flat overlooking the Thames, ‘then left at the Picasso’), not to mention his largesse which, for decades, extended to seemingly limitless Krug champagne, at £150 a bottle.

But Jeffrey, author of more than 30 bestselling books, offers the consolation that they will hold ‘virtual parties’ on successive evenings: tonight and the night after.

he and Mary promise the ‘glorious Tenebrae choir will be giving you a rendering of three Christmas carols’. Then, with a cryptic flourish, add: ‘We have a special guest of honour flying in from the U.s. to address you all before he retires.’

While chums try to decipher whether this means Donald Trump, the couple make it plain they are not neglecting those who have become accustomed to leaving the party with something under their arm. ‘The more greedy among you will be asking: “Where’s my cheese?” ’ says the email, before going on to reassure partygoers that if they make contact, one will be left “for you at the concierge desk”.

If only santa were so amenable.