MARTIN SAMUEL’S QUIZ OF THE YEAR
Look, 2020 has been bad, we all know that. Nobody wants to review this year, nobody even wants a reminder. Who wants to look back on all the nothing that’s happened, the long, aimless walks punctuated by looking at Matt Hancock on television and thinking: ‘If this bloke is getting work, how am m I still furloughed?’
So we’re not going to do that. This is not a quiz to celebrate 2020. It’s not a look back on the highlights, the triumphs, the achievements, because let’s face it, you might just have followed d Government advice to the letter r and still ended up killing your r grandmother so you won’t be in n the mood, and we understand.
Instead we’ll just chuck some custard pies around and see who gets splattered. If you want to recall Jack Grealish’s sage advice to his Twitter followers, how Greg g Clarke charmed the hosts of the 2023 Women’s World Cup or who had 14,000 scones for sale on n August 1, this is the quiz for you.
And if you don’t, we’ll make it easy. The answer’s D. It’s always D. Never r anything else but D. It’s a quiz so simple even Matt Hancock could score 100 per cent. Probably.
Right, fingers on buzzers, not that it matters but let’s pretend, and here we go...
JANUARY WHO HOSTED THE DRAW FOR THE 2021 RUGBY LEAGUE WORLD CUP?
a) St Helens resident and comedian Johnny Vegas.
b) occasional Wigan attendee and olympian Sir Bradley Wiggins.
c) Actor Matthew Lewis, famous as Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter films and vice-president of the Leeds Rugby Foundation.
d) Noted eco-warrior and parttime raindrop Harry Windsor, who flew in from Canada.
WHO GOT THE ANNUAL GIG PROMOTING THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN WITH TOURNAMENT DIRECTOR CRAIG TILEY?
a) No 1 men’s seed Rafa Nadal. b) No 1 women’s seed Ashleigh Barty. c) Soon to be eight-time winner Novak Djokovic. d) World No 147 and former meldonium enthusiast Maria Sharapova.
WHAT WAS UNUSUAL ABOUT ALISHER USMANOV’S £30MILLION STADIUM NAMING RIGHTS DEAL AT EVERTON?
a) It was paid in luncheon vouchers. b) He just happened to have it on n him. c) He’d won it in the 2.30 at Wincanton. d) The stadium did not exist and no rights were guaranteed.
CRYSTAL PALACE GOALKEEPER LUCY GILLETT SAID SHE WAS MINDED TO ADOPT ANTI-RACISM PROTOCOLS AND WALK OFF DURING A MATCH WITH COVENTRY UNITED. WHAT HAD CAUSED THIS EXTREME REACTION?
a) Racist abuse. b) Sexist abuse. c) Racist and sexist abuse. d) Eight supporters saying she had a big bum.
MANCHESTER CITY PLAYERS WERE REPORTED TO HAVE CELEBRATED A 6-1 WIN WITH WHAT?
a) A slap-up meal with sausages sticking out of mashed potato, like in The Beano. b) A trip to Blackpool to look at the lights. c) A conga down Deansgate. d) 22 Italian models and a Bunga-Bunga party.
FEBRUARY WHAT EXPLANATION DID ARSENAL MANAGER MIKEL ARTETA GIVE FOR DROPPING POINTS AT BURNLEY?
a) The exceptional breakfast buffet at the Preston Marriott. b) The dazzling beauty of winter sunset over the Lancashire hills. c) Sean Dyche kept shouting and scaring the life out of everybody. d) The grass was too long.
WHY COULDN’T JOFRA ARCHER BOWL 90MPH IN SOUTH AFRICA?
a) It was a bit chilly. b) He didn’t fancy it, you know what they’re like.
c) He’s from Barbados, they’re very laid back.
d) He had a broken arm.
TOTTENHAM SUPPORTERS ARE YIDS ACCORDING TO...
a) Anti-Semites. b) Racists. c) Thickos. d) a, b and c, plus compilers of the oxford English Dictionary.
WHEN A BOILER FAILED AT DUBLIN’S ENERGIA PARK, CAUSING THE WALES WOMEN’S RUGBY TEAM TO TAKE COLD SHOWERS, WHO DID ITV REPORTER BETH FISHER BLAME?
a) The groundsman. b) The council. c) Plumbers 4U, open 24 hours, no job too large or small.
d) The patriarchy.
WHICH CLUBS HAD TO ABANDON THE FIRST WINTER BREAK IN THE HISTORY OF ENGLISH FOOTBALL DUE TO FIXTURE CONGESTION CAUSED BY THE FA?
a) Newcastle and Liverpool. b) Southampton and Tottenham. c) West Ham and Manchester City. d) All six.
WHAT DID DEONTAY WILDER BLAME FOR DEFEAT BY TYSON FURY?
a) An all-you-can-eat buffet at Tom Colicchio’s Craftsteak.
b) He’d made himself sick on the rollercoaster at the top of the STRAT Hotel.
c) His appointment of CraigRevel Horwood as corner man.
d) The 45lb mask he’d worn for the ringwalk.
ROBERT LEWANDOWSKI TOOK CHELSEA APART IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE, BUT WHAT WAS DISCOVERED AFTER THE GAME THAT SHOULD HAVE SLOWED HIM DOWN?
a) A small box trailer, attached to his shorts, full of parsnips. b) He’d stolen the hotel’s good cutlery and concealed it down his socks. c) He was still wearing lederhosen from a Bavarian-themed Christmas party. d) A broken leg.
MARCH WHY WAS JONNY WILLIAMS, OF WALES AND CHARLTON, FORCED TO CANCEL A PLANNED STREAMED FIFA MATCH AGAINST EBERECHI EZE, THEN OF QPR?
a) His mum said he had cut down his screen time.
b) He didn’t want to have to be Charlton, again.
c) Someone was streaming Tiger king in the next room.
d) Thumb strain.
BEFORE ATTENDING A JOLLY-UP THAT LASTED BEYOND 4AM, AND DAMAGING SEVERAL CARS WITH HIS RANGE ROVER AS HE TRIED TO LEAVE, WHAT MESSAGE DID JACK GREALISH TELL HIS TWITTER FOLLOWERS?
a) oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. b) Clunk, click, every trip. c) You’re my best mate, you are. d) Stay home, protect the NHS, save lives.
WHAT DID DANIEL LEVY ANNOUNCE ON THE DAY TOTTENHAM FURLOUGHED ITS NON-PLAYING STAFF?
a) His resignation. b) His holiday plans. c) All back to mine. d) £4m wages and a £3m bonus.
APRIL JULIAN J KNIGHT, CHAIR OF THE DIGITAL, CULTURE, MEDIA AND SPORT SELECT COMMITTEE, HAD MUCH TO SAY ON FOOTBALL’S MORALITY AND FINANCIAL GOVERNANCE. WHICH OF THESE IS THE TITLE OF A BOOK HE AUTHORED:
a) Ass Goblins of Auschwitz. b) Goodbye, Testicles. c) Make Your Own Sex Toys. d) Wills, Probate and Inheritance Tax for Dummies, which informed readers how to avoid ‘the snapping jaws of the tax system’. WHAT WAS FORTUITOUS ABOUT JOE MARLER’S BAN FOR GRABBING ALUN WYN JONES’ GENITALS DURING A SIX NATIONS MATCH? They are now happily married. He detected an undiagnosed hernia. They invented a dance craze that became huge during lockdown. He served his entire ban when the rugby season was suspended due to coronavirus.
WHO DID OLIVER DOWDEN, NEW SECRETARY OF STATE FOR DIGITAL, CULTURE, MEDIA AND SPORT, CHOOSE TO REPRESENT SPORT IN HIS RENEWAL TASK
FORCE, GIVEN THAT ARTS-RELATED APPOINTMENTS INCLUDED LORD GRADE AND THE DIRECTOR OF THE ENGLISH NATIONAL BALLET? a) Dido Harding. b) Laurel and Harding. c) Boris Johnson’s dog, Dilyn. d) Alex Scott.
JUNE LYLE TAYLOR REFUSED TO PLAY FOR CHARLTON FOR FEAR OF JEOPARDISING A LIFE-CHANGING MOVE. WHERE DID HE END UP?
a) Juventus. b) Real Madrid. c) Barcelona. d) Nottingham Forest.
EVER THE SMOOTH POLITICAL OPERATOR, HOW DID FA CHAIRMAN GREG CLARKE IMPRESS THE NEWLY CROWNED HOSTS OF TH THE 2023 WOMEN’S WOR WORLD CUP AND ENG ENGLAND’S TRA TRADITIONAL AL ALLIES, AUSTRALIA AN AND NEW ZEALAND?
a) H He tried out some new material he was sa saving for the DCMS C Committee. b) He showed them his collection of antique cork hats. c) He played Waltzing W Matilda on the th spoons. d) He H blocked their lobbying lobbyi call and voted for Colombia. Colombia
JURGEN KLOPP SAID LIVERPOOL HAD NO NEED TO BUY THIS SUMMER AND WOULD BE PROMOTING YOUTH FROM THE RANKS. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
a) He bought Konstantinos Tsimikas. b) He bought Thiago Alcantara. c) He bought Diogo Jota. d) He bought all of them.
JULY ‘ARSE IN THE TUB’, ‘DON’T MESS WITH THIS ONE’ AND ‘ON YOUR HEAD BE IT’ ARE ALL WHAT?
a) The official brand names for change strips at Manchester United. b) Innovative lineout calls introduced by Eddie Jones. c) Names of holes at Donald Trump’s new links outside Aberdeen. d) Chillies, as grown by David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd.
WHEN DANNY COWLEY ARRIVED, HUDDERSFIELD HAD WON A SINGLE MATCH IN 10 MONTHS AND TAKEN A SOLITARY POINT FROM THEIR LAST 27. HE KEPT THEM UP WITH A GAME TO SPARE. WHAT WAS COWLEY GIVEN?
a) Huddersfield. b) A statue in the car park. c) A vanload of dead badgers. d) The sack.
JUDE BELLINGHAM PLAYED 44 GAMES AND SCORED FOUR GOALS IN HIS SINGLE SEASON AT BIRMINGHAM, IN WHICH THE CLUB CAME 20TH IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP. WHEN HE LEFT, BIRMINGHAM GAVE HIM...
a) An Uber Executive to the airport. b) A posh travel bag, from Harvey Nichols. c) A DVD of his greatest moments, lasting three and a half minutes. d) The honour of retiring his number 22.
AUGUST WHO WAS LEFT WITH 14,000 SCONES?
a) The owners of the Dyscalculic Baking Society. b) Your nan, because she thought you were coming over. c) The most enthusiastic trialist for The Great British Bake Off. Goodwood racecourse, which was scheduled to reopen on August 1 until the Government called it off at the last minute.
FOR SOCIAL DISTANCING PURPOSES, FROM WHERE DID EMELI SANDE SING ABIDE WITH ME AT THE 2020 FA CUP FINAL?
a) Stockley Park. b) Royal Navy submarine Audacious. A c) Barnard Castle. d) The roof of Wembley.
WHAT DO MANUFACTURERS PUMA SAY IS AN INFLUENCE ON MANCHESTER CITY’S SECOND KIT?
a) A black cat in a coal chute. b) The dwarf galaxy Segue 1. c) Newgate’s knocker. d) The Castlefield and Bridgewater Canal.
WHOSE ENGLAND CAREER ENDED WITH THE WORDS, ‘YOU’RE F***ED MATE’?
a) Sam Allardyce. b) Harry Windsor. c) Prince Andrew. d) Dylan Hartley, courtesy of the ever-subtle Eddie Jones.
SEPTEMBER WHAT DID REFEREE KEITH STROUD DO BEFORE THE MATCH BETWEEN WATFORD AND MIDDLESBROUGH?
a) The Nationwide Building Society in Watford High Street. b) The hokey-cokey on Tik-Tok. c) Filled his assistants’ jockstraps with deep heat, for a laugh.
d) He kissed the match ball for the t television cameras.
ROB McELHENNEY IS THE CREATOR OF THE BRILLIANTLY DARK COMEDY IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS NOT A PLOTLINE FROM THE SHOW?
a) Burying the corpse of an innocent i bystander to armed robbery, while high on angel dust.
b) Accidentally starving a dog to death then feeding it to its owner. c) Holding a fake funeral for a dead infant, whose existence has been invented to claim welfare benefits.
d) Buying and running Wrexham Football Club.
OCTOBER WHO WAS HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ARSENAL’S TUMBLE FROM THE T ELITE IN RECENT SEASONS?
a) Mesut Ozil. b) Arsene Wenger. c) Stan Kroenke. d) Gunnersaurus.
BENJAMIN MENDY WAS ACCUSED OF BREAKING COVID RULES BY HAVING A PARTY IN HIS HOUSE. HIS EXCUSE WAS...
a) He was distracted by the rave in i his garden.
b) He was catching up on recent episodes of The Crown in his man cave.
c) He thought it was a team meeting for City’s defence.
d) He didn’t know it was on.
IN ALL LIKELIHOOD THE CHAMPIONS C LEAGUE WILL SOON DECIDE ITS GROUP STAGE USING THE SWISS SYSTEM. W WHICH OTHER GREAT SPORT PREFERS THIS METHOD?
a) Pokemon. b) Ultimate Frisbee. c) The Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading Card Game.
d) All of these.
WHAT DID SALWA EID NASER, WOMEN’S WORLD 400M CHAMPION, FAIL TO PROVIDE FOR DRUGS TESTERS?
a) a Her home phone number. b) Her mobile phone number. c) c An intercom, bell, or any mmp means of alerting her to their presence.
d) d All of these.
DESPITE REFERRING TO READING FC AS ‘WE’, WHAT DID ALOK AAS SECRETARY SHARMA, AND BUSINESS MP FOR READING WEST, NOT KNOW WHEN QUESTIONED BY RADIO HOST NICK FERRARI?
a) a Which league Reading were in. b) Where Reading were in that l league. c) c His arse from his elbow. d) d All of these.
ON THE LAST FIVE OCCASIONS A TEAM IN THE TOP DIVISION HAS LED A GAME BY THREE GOALS AT HALF-TIME AND FAILED TO WIN, THAT TEAM HAS BEEN...
a) a Spurs. b) Spurs. c) Spurs. d) d Spurs. e) Spurs.
NOVEMBER WHAT WWC IS SEAFOAM GREEN AND CHARCOAL?
a) A fabulous new starter at Restaurant Gordon Ramsay.
b) The plumage of the kakapo k parrot. c) c My new sofa. d) d Everton’s away kit.
DECEMBER WHAT W IS 4E AND 2C?
a) A blinding night out if you can get it past the bouncers. b) A four-centre, two-electron chemical bond such as tetracya-noethylene (no, seriously, it is). c) c The number plate of Eric Cantona’s car. ddi d) The coded bowling i instructions that saw England hit f for 85 off eight overs.
PABLO MATERA ONCE DESCRIBED IT AS A ‘FINE MORNING TO GET OUT IN THE CAR AND RUN OVER BLACKS’. HE IS CURRENTLY...
a) a Grand Wizard of the Buenos Aires A branch of the KKK.
b) Vice-president of the Millwall Supporters Club. c) l lookout ccl for illegals.
Patrolling the Channel on the ddr d)
Captain of the Argentina r rugby team.
WHICH THOROUGHLY DESERVING CLUB COULD BENEFIT FROM ADDITIONAL HISTORIC CO-EFFICIENT LINKED PLACES IN THE REVAMPED CHAMPIONS LEAGUE?
a) a Port Vale. b) Bury. c) New York Cosmos. d) Arsenal.
WHICH NEW SPORT WILL BE PART OF THE 2024 OLYMPICS?
a) Drug test avoidance. b) Find the t whistle-blower. Breaking and entering. d) Breakdancing.
AI ABACUS ARE USING ARTIFICIAL A INTELLIGENCE TO MATCH PLAYERS TO CLUBS, RATHER THAN RELYING ON THE GUT G INSTINCTS OF SCOUTS. WHAT WWT LEFT-FIELD SIGNING DID THIS SUPERCOMPUTER SUGGEST PEP GUARDIOLA SHOULD S MAKE FOR MANCHESTER CITY?
a) A 15-year-old ball-juggling protege p in Gremio’s academy. b) Bruno Tonioli. c) c Sheikh Mansour’s niece, Susan. d) d Erling Haaland. And a very happy holiday season to t you all.