Should I worry my husband might be gay?

You start by telling me (with conviction) that your life, your marriage, is ‘all such a mess’ — and yet for the life of me, having read your email several times, I cannot see why.

You describe a long relationship that went through a difficult patch at first as you adjusted. But, after time apart, you sorted it out magnificently.

That is, until you found out that in those early years he’d had a fling with a guy. He was with you, yet unfaithful. Would it have been worse had you found out he’d been seeing a Teresa? or did the idea of same-sex dabbling unsettle you?

I don’t blame you for your curiosity, but this story is a reminder that prying can bring more pain than the truth is worth. Still, it must have hurt.

You discovered your chap was unsure about his sexuality, so wanted to experience both sexes. He won’t be the first, or the last, to have that wish. Many hetrosexual people have hidden such fantasies.

Are they harmful? I don’t believe so. Was his ‘dabbling’ wicked? only as much as any infidelity can be damaging. But even though you’d been shocked and upset, you married as planned, your daughter adored her stepfather, life was good. So why

has this old issue come back to bother you so much now? You haven’t found any secret emails. Your husband hasn’t suddenly become a nasty person.

He may have been ‘confused’ back then, but has shown no signs of it since. Yet you have actually been thinking of ending this second marriage, this good relationship dating back to 2006, simply because something has sparked an unhappy resentment that has lain unresolved since.

Sadly, you’re newly obsessing about whether your husband is secretly quashing his sexuality and yet you ‘never talk about it’. I’d bet ‘what he really wants’ is to go on being happily married to you, to grow old together and continue to watch his stepdaughter flourish. Don’t you think it would be a good idea to have a conversation about these matters before you pack your bags?

To be frank, I find it hard to advise you ‘how to forgive him and move on’ when I cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t. Years ago, he made a mistake — and was sorry. You married for better or worse and that must include forgiveness, or else a marriage is not worth a scrap of paper.

Counselling would help, I’m sure (see relate.org.uk), but you should think of all the good you have shared and ask yourself whether you really want to live alone.