I want to cut off my difficult sister

So manY months marred by mutual dislike; years of irritation and quarrelling; decades of division. none of us can help not getting on with a sibling, but what we can do is come to terms with the incompatibility and work out how to manage it.

Two things in your email pique my curiosity. The first is that even though your relationship has been poisonous, you have nevertheless ‘kept in touch by phone and emails’. People who hate each other don’t do that.

The second is this sentence: ‘There are two other siblings — one doesn’t speak to Carol, and the other one barely tolerates her.’ You don’t write, ‘We have . . .’ — which would indicate involvement. You write, ‘There are . . .’ as if those siblings (sisters or brothers?) have nothing to do with you at all.

I’m afraid I can’t help but wonder if this detachment also has something to do with ‘ the family’s distress’. I may be wrong, but it doesn’t sound as if your family was ever close. I’d love to know whether you are in touch with those siblings and also whether your sister feels as angry with you as you are with her.

It doesn’t sound as if she does. You say she had/has a gambling addiction. With that in mind, it could be that she is, in fact, extremely needy and clinging to what remains of her relationship with you. The relationship you no longer want.

Let me quickly say I do understand that — especially as you mention that you have been driven to a state of nervous anxiety because of lockdowns. But I wonder whether this period of extra stress we are all enduring is the best time to cut off all contact with your sister. If she wanted it, she would not be emailing you.

Did you ever think of trying to discover exactly why you were ‘always screaming at her down the phone then feeling guilty’? If you felt guilty, you must have felt you were in the wrong, so why?

I think these questions need answering — as much for your own ‘wellbeing’ as your decision to stop those unpleasant phone calls. You say you ‘wish her well’, but that seems to me to be equal to the dishonesty of which you accuse Carol.

Sometimes when people write to this column with seemingly insoluble problems concerning a problematic family member I have counselled ending all contact with the toxic person. But in your case I’m not doing so. You give no information about what’s going on in your life — except this seeming hatred of Carol.

But one thing is sure. You are getting older and so is she, and in ten years’ time you may be sorry you set her adrift. I suggest letting weekly emails continue, since they do you no real harm, and perhaps she is very lonely and needs them.