I’m locked down in abusive hell
DEAR BEL,
I’VE noticed my hair is falling out. Anxiety and chest pain.
People think I’m strong, but I’m not. I should ring the GP, but you never see the same one and they don’t know you.
This was the case even before Covid. I long for a caring doctor who takes the time to listen. Not all ailments are visible.
Discussing the virus with a friend, I confessed I’m not coping. I survived March lockdown; the weather was good etc. But my other half’s drinking got out of hand.
Second lockdown, it increased. The abuse started. The verbal stuff isn’t that hard to deal with, but the physical abuse is another story.
He never remembers or says sorry the next day. I got a black eye and a fat lip. Another time he was drunk and I went to help him get on the bed.
He didn’t like my assistance/ interference and pushed me away. I fell on the floor and in his rage he stamped on my ankle.
I am now limping — and tell anybody who asks (when I go out) that my plantar fasciitis in my heel has returned.
Now here we are again and since my partner is self- employed ( I’m employed by him) no money is coming in.
It feels harder than ever. This loneliness may be my own fault, as I was brought up in an era when people said: ‘You made your bed, so lie in it.’ It’s taboo to discuss personal problems.
Thank you for listening — I have no one to turn to.
JUNE
YOUR letter makes me sad, angry and helpless. I hope it helps others realise how terrible it is for women trapped in lockdown with an abusive partner. ‘Stay Home’ is all very well, but what if ‘home’ is hell? There was a huge spike in domestic violence during the first big lockdown and since the current situation is worse (levels of stress and helpless anger) I fear there will be a grim reckoning come this spring.
I don’t want to treat you as a statistic, June; your unhappiness is individual and real. Nevertheless you are yet another woman experiencing potentially dangerous ill-treatment at the hands of her partner — and nothing is being done. The charity Women’s Aid called for at least £48.2 million in emergency funding to help local services cope during the crisis.
You don’t say if you’ve ever tried to leave him, or whether the drinking is only recent. Like many people he’s probably been driven to excess drunkenness by stress.
Perhaps you accept it as a part of your lifestyle together, in which case you should urgently visit the website Al-Anon ( al-anonuk.org.uk), as his behaviour is entirely unacceptable. Since your letter is hand-written with no address, I have no idea if you are able to access online services. However, you can also call Al-Anon’s helpline on 0800 0086 811.
On the subject of getting help, you must both get information on possible government aid for the self-employed, so I hope you do have access to a computer to find out what there is. Not all citizens’ advice bureaux are open, but they do have free national helplines (0800 144 8848 for England; 0800 702 2020 for Wales; 0800 028 1456 for Scotland).
Lockdown imprisons people within their misery. Is there somewhere at home you can retreat to when he is drunk? Removing yourself from anger is wise.
The number for the free 24- hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247 — please use it. If your partner injures you again, you should call the police when he has passed out.
You say he doesn’t mention his violence (verbal and physical) the next day and presumably you don’t either. But this man needs to be told what he’s doing and I hope a visit from the police would give him a shock.
You are unwell and under great strain so need to see your doctor. Please, please do, because this awful situation cannot continue. You are one of those who has always believed it good to be stoical. It’s not. Confide in a friend and don’t conceal his guilt. It’s not your fault. Cry out — please.