How can I stop my daughter deserting her kids?

DEAR BEL

HAVING been abandoned at the age of 13 along with my five siblings by our mother who left for a new life with another man, I find history could be repeating itself with a twist.

My daughter had two failed marriages (her partners’ fault) with one child from the second. Then came a disastrous relationship with a narcissistic control freak which resulted in twins.

I thought she had at last met someone who cared for her, but after several years of ups and downs (mostly concerning her children) he cheated and she kicked him out.

She now has a new man and, after only several weeks, feels he is a keeper. They like the same things and can chat for hours. Most of all, he makes her laugh. He has asked whether she’d move away with him if they are still together by the end of the year. She has said yes.

But her children are flatly refusing to move away from family, friends and school. The eldest is at college and the twins are at secondary school. My daughter thinks she deserves to put her happiness first, even if it means moving away without them and has told them as much.

I have always put my children first and I believe your children (no matter what age) will always be your children. My daughter knows I love my grandchildren unconditionally. They would want to live with me if it comes to it.

Do I tell my daughter not to be so selfish? Or ask how could she possibly abandon her children when they could end up hating her?

You will understand my feeling of deja vu. Yes, she deserves to be happy (all I have ever wanted for her), but not at the expense of her children. This will be hanging over us all for a year! I fear if I step in now it will cause a huge rift between me and my daughter. I am at a loss how to handle this situation. GLENDA

What a miserable, worrying situation for you — and everyone will understand the pain and hurt behind your letter, contained within that phrase, ‘my feeling of deja vu’.

at the age of 13 you suffered a terrible abandonment — and I expect you can understand why I mention that feeling when discussing the situation of Lawrence’s sons in response to his letter today (below right). Lord knows, adults can do great damage to children, all the worse when that damage is inflicted by those who expect to protect and love us.

Now you see your daughter in the first throes of a heady new passion planning to inflict the same pain, the same hurt. It must be causing you such anguish.

My feelings about the situation mirror your own. I can understand that your daughter feels she deserves happiness now after three failed relationships.

Yet, like you, I believe that we have a duty to the children who did not ask to be brought into this world and who depend on their mother, father or both, for support and love. I could no more have left my children than I could fly.

You know, this ‘year’ business may be hanging over you, yet at the same time it offers respite.

It feels quite strange that a man who professes to be in love with a woman should so quickly ask her to agree to a plan of taking her away from her family. Why?

Perhaps he’s planning a job move . . . but why lay on the emotional

bargaining a year early? Is he, in effect, asking her to choose family or him? I’d worry about that.

It is with no wish to be disrespectful to your daughter to say her track record with men is not good, and therefore it would be no surprise if this relationship goes pear-shaped. I hope it doesn’t — and I would also hope that man would comprehend the harm he is proposing.

But a year is a long time in messy human relationships. So it may never happen. you are a loving grandmother whose job now is to be strong.

Don’t confront your daughter. Do assure those children that their mother loves them, but that she’s just gone a bit doolally over this new bloke. remain engaged with all they do. And, if the worst happens . . . well, all you can do is be their rock.

Just don’t leap forward towards the chasm. Stay safely back and tread carefully.