Will I ever heal the rift with my adult sons?

DEAR BEL

I’M A divorced man of retirement age, with two sons in their late 20s. I split from their mother when they were very young, as she loved to argue and fight.

I battled for contact — they would spend 48 hours with me every two weeks. Eventually, it came to light she was abusive to them and they came to live with me. I put them through private education — they were star pupils. We had a loving relationship and a lot of fun. In their mid-teens, I suffered the 2008 recession, had health problems and the boys returned to her. She pleaded she had changed and I saw them occasionally, but it took a long while to get back on my feet.

Two years ago, my calls unanswered, I left telephone messages at their offices to call me when they had time. That prompted abusive texts telling me I was self-pitying, not to contact them and that they would contact me if they wanted to.

My younger son did so six months ago wanting money, as he ‘didn’t want to ask’ his mother. I obliged and, as his birthday was soon, added an extra £200. I received a ‘Thanks’ text. When his brother’s birthday approached ( just before Christmas), I messaged asking what he wanted as a present. No response.

I just don’t know what to do get a relationship back with them. I am now in good health and have a self-employed business. But they just don’t want to know me. Any advice will be appreciated. LAWRENCE

Truly, I feel much sympathy for you and also for those two young men who have had such a disrupted upbringing. They must felt badly let down by both their parents.

Of course, it was hardly your fault that financial problems triggered your physical and mental health problems. Nevertheless they were sent back to their mother, whether they liked it or not. And you will never know what she said to them about you, nor how she treated them. I hate to say this, but they must have felt abandoned by the father who had fought to see them.

I can only imagine how angry they still feel. I would wish them both to seek counselling for mental distress and inability to forgive their parents. (yes both of you.) But I doubt it will happen.

What can you do? For a start — open your heart to what I have written here and understand the anger and hurt which has prompted their disengagement. Then let them know that if ever they thought you ‘self-pitying’ (and maybe you were unable to help it), it was simply because you miss them — and you understand what a tough time they have had because of their parents.

Then tell them you will always be glad to hear from them and hope you can meet up when the Covid nightmare is over. For now, be patient, understanding and hopeful.