A problem shared...
Is my grumpy husband manopausal?
QSINCE
the first lockdown, my husband has turned into a grumpy old man. We are both in our early 50s, living with our three teenagers, working from home and the atmosphere is terrible.
He is either withdrawn, or looking for the worst in every situation, consuming himself with depressing news and conspiracy theories. I’m starting to feel at my wits’ end and I’m worried about him.
His mood swings remind me of how I felt during the menopause and a friend has suggested he could be experiencing the male menopause. He has never been good at opening up about his feelings. A TempTing as it might be to put your husband’s mood changes down to the ‘male menopause’, i suspect this is an unlikely culprit.
The term is used to describe the age-related decrease in the male sex hormone testosterone, which, for most men, is a slow and steady decline of about 1 per cent each year from the age of 40. it’s unlike the sudden hormone drop menopausal women experience.
A sudden and significant reduction in testosterone can cause emotional symptoms along with reduced libido, but i would look at depression as a far more common explanation.
Depression is not just a bad mood, and people can’t snap out of it. it’s as much a physical illness as is breaking a leg, due to chemical changes in the brain.
it affects almost one in five people during their lives and according to the Royal College of psychiatrists, men suffer from depression just as often as women, but they are less likely to ask for help.
When they do seek help, men are more inclined to talk about physical symptoms rather than how they feel, which increases the risk of the diagnosis getting missed. And this matters as men are about three times more likely to take their own lives than women.
What signs should you look out for? Being more pessimistic, finding it harder to concentrate, getting irritable, showing less interest in things and not looking after himself — washing less or not shaving.
Depression has a physical impact, too. He might experience more aches and pains or find it difficult to sleep. He may lose his appetite or be overeating. Has he lost interest in sex?
it’s important to talk to him about it. Say that you’ve noticed he seems to be going through a bad patch. Listen and take him seriously. if you are worried he might be feeling suicidal, it is important to ask. Don’t worry, you won’t put the idea into his head.
encourage him to get help from his gp, who will do an assessment and suggest options including Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), talking therapies and/or antidepressants.
Self-help, such as daily walks, exercise and improving the diet, are all known to lift mood. getting it out in the open will be a relief for the both of you.
■ If you need support, call the Samaritans on 116 123.