My sister kept adopted son a secret

DEAR BEL,

THREE weeks ago my lovely sister died from Covid 19 followed by her husband a few days ago. I shall miss them both very much.

My dilemma is this. Several years ago she was contacted by an agency who asked if she would like to meet a son she had when she was only a teenager and whom she’d had adopted.

She was thrilled to be contacted, but I’m afraid her husband was less than thrilled and refused to have anything to do with him.

He also refused to let her tell their only son about his existence. It caused quite a rift at the time, but my sister decided she wanted to contact him. Her husband said she could do what she liked but to keep him and their son out of it.

She had been phoning and meeting her son and told me what a wonderful person he is. He has two children of his own.

Should I tell her son of his half-brother’s existence? My gut feeling is to speak to his wife and see if she thinks I should tell him.

Personally I think he ought to know. At the very least I would like to let his half-brother know that his birth mother has passed away, but I have no contact details for him. If someone (his wife?) could look on my sister’s phone I’m sure his details must be there so I could contact him.

Secrets and lies. This is what you come to. My sister died so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to ask her for his details in case the worst should happen.

Please advise. FIONA

FIrSTlY, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved sister and offer my condolences. Your nephew’s shock and grief must be very hard indeed to bear — and so he will need maximum support from the rest of the family as he comes to terms with his double bereavement.

This is hugely important, and everything else I write must be put in that context.

You are surely right to say that your sister’s first child has the right to be informed of his birth mother’s death. Without that information he could be desperately anxious that something bad has happened (as it has) or that she has suddenly decided to end the relationship they had forged and wants nothing more to do with him.

To leave him in the dark would, I believe, be wrong — and almost a betrayal of feelings you know she cherished.

looking back, it was sad and rather terrible that your late brother-in-law refused to acknowledge his wife’s past and instead chose to be unsympathetic and controlling.

I know of three women who discovered old romances of their husbands — liaisons which produced children — and were generous enough to embrace those newly discovered family members.

What harm could it have done him to be generous? And if she wished their son to know he had a half-brother, what right had he to police that information?

It’s sad that the opportunity was lost and that your sister had to keep her delight in her first child, and probably also in being a grandmother, tucked away like a dark secret.

Now he is dead I cannot see what would stand in the way of you telling your nephew, and suspect it is exactly what your sister would want. But not yet.

Your plan to talk to his wife is thoughtful, but you would be loading a secret on to her shoulders, and she may not want that. She will have to support her husband in his grief — and that’s probably enough for now.

But as Aunt you could ask them both if it would help for you to do some administration of your sister’s personal effects. I imagine they will be grateful as there is so much to do. That access would give you the chance to search for any information about the first son’s identity.

If you find something you could contact him. And if you fail, then — allowing for a proper time of mourning to pass — you would be able to sit down with your nephew and his wife and tell them the full story.

Then it would be up to him to look for his half-brother if he so wishes. Personally, I believe it would be a blessing on his mother’s memory if he did.