Lockdown misery drove me to drink
I IDENTIFY so much with Sarah Vine’s article about lockdown drinking (Mail). I am ashamed to admit I have been using alcohol as a crutch. At first, my excuse was that all other daily activities had been cancelled. Gradually, though, I began to drink to numb the constant worry that if either my husband or I became ill or died, who would look after our two sons? As Sarah says, this sort of drinking is grim. By attempting to defuse my fears, I fell prey to emotional negativity and soon lacked enthusiasm to do anything. I also had low self-esteem because I felt inadequate at supervising my children’s home-schooling. The days in lockdown were so long and all joy there might have been in keeping house, shopping, cooking, exercising, walking, playing board games, reading and watching TV just disappeared. I began to withdraw and stopped wanting to Zoom friends and family. Nothing has changed now that the lockdown restrictions are being lifted. I feel in turmoil — and I am still drinking. I have pushed myself to get back out there, but this makes me feel even more anxious. It is no longer about my fear of the danger of Covid, but because somewhere along the line I’ve forgotten how to be me. It seems that everyone else is joyfully welcoming each stage of normality and longing for a happy summer reuniting with friends and family, but I am still feeling low. I feel selfish and self-centred for feeling like this. After all, my family is lucky because we have stayed healthy and well throughout the pandemic and our income has been unaffected. Sarah’s description of a blanket of weariness sums it up: I feel as if I have a big weight on my shoulders.