HOW TO TELL IF YOUR OTHER HALF IS HAVING AN AFFAIR — AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

marITal therapist andrew G. marshall reveals the key signs to watch for. How many do you recognise?

YOUR partner is normally lo vely, but now it feels like you’re about to have your head bitten off.

THEY guard their phone lik e it’ s the Crown Jewels.

THEY couldn’t stop talking about someone at work. Now they don’t mention them.

THEY have opinions that seem to come out of nowhere. EXCUSES just don’t add up. YOU have defended them to y our family and friends, who all think y our partner might be having an affair.

And here’s what to do...

DOLISTEN to your gut instinct. DO TURN detective. It’s fine to give them a chance to come clean, but gathering evidence is best — and there will always be evidence, whether it’s credit card records or text messages.

DO PICK your moment to confront them. You need time to thrash things out.

DO LAY the e vidence out calmly. If y ou’re calm, they will be more inclined to tell y ou the truth. If the y start blustering or aren’t prepared to speak, say: ‘I would much rather you told me than I had to discover it myself.’

DON’T expect them to tell you everything in one go. Y ou’re going to w ant a le vel of detail that will surprise them, but they’ll be too ashamed to answer in full. DON’T make any decisions straightaway. DON’T forgive them in the first five minutes. That will stop them giving you information. But don’t throw them out, either. If you do, they will spend time ‘thinking things o ver’ with the other person, and tak e the information you want to know with them.

DON’T beat yourself up for wanting to know it all. The y may sa y: ‘How can w e move forward if you can’t forget?’ But learning the truth is part of the healing process.

DO BE kind to y ourself. Try to tell as fe w people as possible because you can’t untell them. Don’t confide early on in your children, even if the y are gro wn up. Sometimes I counsel couples where one has forgiven the other, but their teenager hasn’t.

aNdrew G. marsHall is author of How Can I ever Trust You again?