It feels selfish, but I’m happy to be on my own
DEAR BEL,
I FEEL so guilty. Am I being selfish? My daughter asked me to go to her home for Christmas. But I am happy on my own. She says she’s family, and doesn’t like to think of me on my own. Speaking to a few friends my age (75 and older) they feel the same as I do.
Of course, this dilemma does make me think of families that don’t bother with their mothers and fathers. I know I’m fortunate. I live in East Sussex, my daughter is in Surrey and I don’t want them travelling to collect me.
We don’t know what will be happening in the next few weeks. I love all my family very much — but I know they can’t understand me. How can I make it up to my daughter?
HILARY
You wrote this short email on November 29 and so I hope by now you’ve talked to your daughter and made up your mind — whether to go to her home or to remain on your own.
But now Christmas is just one week away I thought I should still offer some advice, since you asked.
It’s interesting you mention friends ‘happy on their own’. I’m glad, although it might depend on whether they had an invitation, or whether being happy alone is wisely making the best of the existing situation. There’s no identikit model for people’s emotions at Christmas, nor any other time. I admire those who like their own company. I do too, but love family more.
I most certainly wouldn’t call you ‘selfish’. You’re perfectly entitled to do as you wish. But we could identify one vital rule by agreeing that it matters a great deal not to offend or upset those who love us. For being loved and wanted is a huge privilege — and you’re quite right to acknowledge your great good fortune.
If you’d been sitting in my chair for the last 14 years as the Mail’s advice columnist you would often have felt overwhelmed by sadness at the loneliness of others and wondered what went wrong, that they should be so neglected by families.
Imaginative you may be, but you have no idea of the sadness of some people’s lives.
In your position (and we’re of an age) I’d be asking myself whether it might be a good idea to match my daughter’s generous grace with my own. I’d feel grateful for their willingness to journey to collect me and hope to add to the general good cheer of their hearth.
It is as blessed to receive as to give — and since Christmas is all about giving, I can’t help hoping you’ve decided to give your daughter the gift of your company.