I’m still furious over my partner’s betrayal

DEAR BEL,

MY partner and l were together for 27 years. He died in November 2020 from Covid.

After six years together he cheated on me and we separated for almost two years, but he called to see me almost every day.

Then one Sunday evening he rang to say it was over. He sounded very upset so I took it that she had ended it.

I didn’t contact him but several months later he asked if I would go back to live with him.

I was annoyed, but he lived in a beautiful country house and I also missed our two dogs so I agreed. Things were great and we were very happy. But since his death I find myself thinking about their affair and it’s made me very angry and upset. I know he loved me and I him. Why am I so angry?

JANE

Could it be that you are not so much angry as grieving? At 4am life’s regrets, disappointments and sorrow circle the bed as daylight seems so far away.

over 20 years ago your partner hurt you very badly indeed. Then he wanted you back — and you chose to return to the lovely life you had enjoyed with him and two dogs. Wise woman. You returned for love — but comfort, too.

I have no doubt he wanted you for the same reasons.

There’s a whole life story there — and surely it was a good one, because I don’t believe in perfection but in accommodation of the foibles and sins and weaknesses of those we love.

When we recognise that we can love somebody very flawed because we need their love in return... well, then we can grow as human beings. Stop thinking you are angry with the man you loved and accept that you are mourning his loss.