Don’t drag fashion back to the agonising Eighties!
Torturous thongs. Welts from Wonderbras. And now Posh in crippling ski pants. CLAUDIA CONNELL limps down memory lane and begs...
Organ-crusHIng underwear, skirts too tight to take a step and shoes that torture our toes — what woman hasn’t put her body through the wringer in the name of fashion?
It came as no surprise that a recent study discovered women are 12 times more likely than men to suffer in the pursuit of looking good.
What is surprising — to me at least — is that many of the worst offenders, trends I foolishly fell for back in the 1980s, are now having something of a revival. How can we be popping ourselves into bodysuits and putting ourselves through the misery of thongs again?
Having been there, done that, and got the welt marks to prove it, I’ll be giving these a miss this time around. But, for those who are tempted, here are my memories of the pain (and embarrassment) you have to look forward to . . .
SKI PANTS RE-BORN
are they leggings? are they jodhpurs? no, just a hideous-hybrid of the two that are now making a comeback and were recently seen on victoria Beckham (right). The stretchy trousers give you an elongated leg shape thanks to the stirrups that hook under your feet. The only problem is that walking with a swatch of itchy fabric bunched up into the arch of your foot feels like you’ve got a permanent lump of sand in your shoe.
BAFFLING BODIES
Made from stretchy fabric, the bodysuit is effectively a glorified leotard designed to show off curves while creating a smooth silhouette when worn with trousers or skirts.
Hugely popular in the late 1980s and early 1990s, I had a selection in different colours that I wore with pencil skirts and jeans. alas, the bodysuit had one fatal design flaw: the poppers of peril. Ping! The first goes as you sit down. Ping! The second when you stand up. Leaving just one holding it all in place. Ouch. and let’s not talk about the chaffing nightmare that was the thong bodysuit.
ROPEY ESPADRILLES
MassIve in the eighties and mysteriously back in fashion — even though shoes made of canvas and rope are never going to be a practical choice.
I discovered that when I wore a pair to ascot races once. In my head I imagined summer sandals laced up elegantly, ballerina style, tanned legs. In reality the laces had to be pulled so tight that tiny little rolls of fat bulged on either side of the ribbons. The laces also rubbed off my spray tan, meaning I had a white criss-cross pattern on my calves for days.
WONDERBRA WOES
HeLLO boys! Hello crushed boobs! Hello grazed rib cage! Hello sweaty cleavage! The Wonderbra, which promised to boost women’s bust sizes was a revelation when it launched in the mid-1990s and is now back on sale at M&s. I had the original — and the strapless version — which made me look like I had one giant boob in the middle of my chest. Both left me with red welts that took a day to disappear.
HOLD-UPS FAIL
sTOckIngs are too much of a faff, tights just aren’t sexy, but hold-ups — well they seemed a perfect solution. What actually happened was that they inched their way down your leg when you walked. If you’re, say, walking along with a date, holding hands, a little tipsy you might not notice until he points out that one of them is around your ankles.
ITCHY CHICKEN FILLETS
WHaT lunatic dreamt up the idea of creating a lump of wobbly padding, that looks like a raw chicken breast, to fill your bra out with? They may have boosted your cup size but they also gave you hot itchy boobs — and a rash if you’re allergic to silicone.
SUFFOCATING SPANX
WHen I was a spanx virgin, I assumed that buying them a size too small would mean they held me in even more. They did. They also turned my thighs purple, and halfway through a date I had to dash to the loo to cut emergency slits in the leg seam in order to get my circulation going again. sexy.
NUMB TOES IN STILETTOS
THey give you height and great posture — they also give you painful blisters and numb toes. The good news is that eventually your toes get so battered that they lose all feeling. Beware though, when the heel is too thin it gets stuck in everything — including the ridges of an escalator step. Like the time I got wedged at London’s green Park tube station and had to be lifted out of them to leap free, barefoot, in the nick of time.
UNZIPPABLE JEANS
THe height of fashion when I was a teenager. every teen in the 1980s knew the ‘coat hanger’ zip up technique performed lying down (and usually resulting in a few flesh wounds) where you hooked the hanger into the zip and yanked. One friend cut herself so badly on her rusty wire coat hanger that she needed a tetanus shot.
PENCIL SKIRT ALERT
PrOBaBLy the most flattering style of skirt. definitely the least practical. They hug your bottom and emphasise every curve. They also aren’t designed for walking in. I took a lot of taxis at the peak of my pencil skirt years.
CRUSHING BELTS
a gOdsend for apple shapes like me — wide belts made of stiff leather give the wearer a fabulously defined waist and are, apparently, designed for people who don’t possess internal organs. In order to achieve the hourglass shape you need to pull the belt so tight it crushes your stomach, liver and kidneys. Today’s teens are embracing them, too. I fear for their kidneys.
LIKE WEARING WIRE
In My 20s the idea of walking around with vPL (visible panty line) was unthinkable. Thongs were the only solution. The less fabric they contained, the more they seemed to cost. They were every bit as uncomfortable as they looked — gave you a permanent wedgie and were the equivalent of wearing a cheese wire as underwear. The sight of pop starlet dua Lipa with hers on show recently (above) gave me flashbacks.
SCRATCHY SEQUINS
THey catch the light, they sparkle and they make any evening outfit stand out. sequins are a marvellous little invention, but buy a cheap sequined top for a party and you’ll go home with a thousand tiny scratches all over your torso.
WONKY SEAMS
THey evoke images of old, Hollywood glamour. seamed tights look sexy and feminine . . . as long as the seams remain straight, which they never do. In the early 1990s they had a huge revival but you needed a wing-man if you wore them — someone to turn to every 15 minutes and say ‘are my seams straight? no? I’ll sort them, again.’
RISKY CHOKERS
THe clue is in the name isn’t it? Why would anyone think jewellery that half strangles you is a good idea? I had one where the ribbon had a bendy wire stitched into it that used to garrote me if I turned my head too sharply.