My friend is stuck with a monster
DEAR BEL,
MY FRIEND is abused mentally by her partner and I can’t help her, except as a place to unload her troubles. I think he is suffering from psychosis or Alzheimer’s.
He screams abuse (I can hear him) and threats — even sparked by the postman ringing the doorbell. His language is vile.
In his 70s, he has genuine ill health but won’t do anything to help himself. He complains of chest pains but won’t see a doctor. The doctors won’t discuss him with her, because of ‘confidentiality’.
Since he won’t have anything to do with them, who can she turn to?
When the district nurse comes or he goes to hospital for regular treatment he can contain himself, but the days running up to the appointments are hell — with him telling her to cancel the ambulance, throwing hysterical fits etc. He drinks treble whiskies for breakfast, then at lunchtime, and a bottle of wine or more throughout the day.
He is on a hefty dose of antidepressants, but won’t let her tell the doctors about the alcohol he consumes.
He is so full of self-pity and hates it if she is unwell — taking the focus from him. Covid set him back (as all of us) and apart from the hospital (by ambulance), he hasn’t been out of the house for three years — not even on the terrace for fresh air. He refuses to speak to anyone on the phone, even once-good friends.
I’m at a loss, seeing her being beaten down (not physically as yet) every day.
There is no joy in her life, only constant misery. What can she do?
MARY
ReFLecTINg on the number of households who must be living in the misery you describe is daunting. You tell me that you are registered wit the same surgery and the doctors are ‘useless’; with gP services worse than ever I can remember and mental health problems affecting so many people, I do not know how realistically to suggest help. But I must try.
Twice in recent years, concerned about the quality of my parents’ home life due to my father’s vascular dementia, I wrote a long (typed, therefore formal) letter to the gP, setting out the problems in detail. Did it do any immediate, practical good? No, but at least it was all set down for the records.
Since your neighbour is (surely) an alcoholic yet being prescribed medicine in ignorance of all the booze, your friend’s letter would have a perfect justification.
You say he won’t go to the gP, so who is prescribing? If the hospital, then the same strategy must apply. A blood test will reveal heavy alcohol use. In all her communications with the NHS your friend needs to stress the situation she is in, holding nothing back, being sure to emphasise that she also has the right to ‘confidentially’ as a wife who is being (at the very least) bullied by a very disturbed man who sounds as if he urgently needs a new diagnosis. The district nurse must be informed too. can your friend phone her/him confidentially?
This situation could escalate into physical abuse; all it takes is one furious push — and something terrible could happen. That is a very real anxiety, so I suggest you inform yourself (with your friend’s welfare in mind) of the procedure by which an individual can be sectioned under the Mental Health Act 1983 ( mind.org.uk/informationsupport/ legal- rights/ sectioning/about-sectioning/).
As this man’s nearest relative, your friend does have rights — and it could prove vital for you to be in an educated position to advise an exhausted and miserable woman. The Mind website is a useful resource in general. It might also be helpful to telephone the Age UK Advice Line on 0800 678 1602.
Your friend could do this in your house, with a cup of tea and your company. It is good to know she has you to support her, so make sure she gets out of that house as much as she can.