The race to be PM is like Love Island for ugly people — and I’m joining in

SO FAR, the most interesting thing about this Tory leadership race is the sheer number of people who think they can do the job.

Either there’s an awful lot of untapped talent in the party, or some people have a rather inflated sense of their own abilities.

I’ve lived through a few of these contests in my time, and they’re basically like Love Island for ugly people (which might explain why Penny Mordaunt is doing so well: she’s the only contestant — sorry, candidate — we’ve ever seen in a bathing suit).

one person makes their pitch, and all the MPs cluster round them like excitable brood hens. Then another throws in a few sexy promises and they all flock to him or her. There are a lot of tense conversations in quiet corners of the villa/Commons; a variety of illicit goings on after lights-out.

Promises are made and broken, not everyone behaves as well as they probably should, people ‘couple up’ where you least expect it — and an inordinate amount of time is spent preening in front of the cameras.

anyway, seeing as they’re all fighting like cats in a bag, I thought now would be a good time to make my own bid for power. So, yes, I’m standing, too, and before you say I’m not an MP . . . well, I’m sure the 1922 Committee will work something out once they read Vine’s Vision for a better Britain.

FIRST things first: anti- social behaviour. I would introduce tough legislation to curb the late-night antics of irresponsible individuals by requiring the use of breathalysers on keyboards. Drunk Tweeting is the single most serious cause of social media strife, and the source of endless lengthy and pointless disputes. This rule would also apply to smartphones.

In a similar vein, and in line with my steadfast commitment to improving the nation’s mental health, I would also switch off the internet between 11pm and 7am.

This would ensure everyone gets a decent night’s sleep instead of spending all night scrolling through Instagram and TikTok, wondering why their thighs aren’t ‘bikini-ready’ and watching videos of Megan Thee Stallion getting jiggy with her back-up dancers. as for councils, all local authorities would be required to bring back parking meters that use coins, so people who don’t have smartphones can park their cars without having a nervous breakdown.

I would also require them to install dog mess bag dispensers in parks and on street corners (not just ordinary bags, nice scented ones) and introduce £ 10,000 on-the-spot fines for anyone who doesn’t clear up after their pet. filthy habit.

In the interests of good taste, I would introduce a tax on acrylic nails and false eyelashes more than 3cm long.

a similar levy would be applied to joggers with swishy ponytails, women who talk loudly in cafes about how well their child is doing at nursery, MaMILs (middle-aged men in Lycra) on expensive bikes and anyone who orders a burger without a bun in a restaurant (it’s a burger: have the bloody bun, or order something else).

The revenue raised from all this would comfortably eliminate public debt within a few years.

Some other thoughts: the school summer holidays should be limited to four weeks to save every mother’s sanity; all sandwiches containing red onions should carry a warning so you don’t accidentally eat one for lunch and then spend the rest of the afternoon stinking out the office; and children who use their

parents’ bank cards to order food on Deliveroo at 11pm should be forced to do litter-picking at the weekends.

and last but not least, Zara must come clean about its sizing. XL, my foot! That wouldn’t fit a seven-year-old.