Uncle Rich’s answers to... MODERN LIFE, THE UNIVERSE & EVERYTHING
The older I get, the less I understand. So I wasn’t at all surprised to read in yesterday’s Mail that 89 per cent of us admit to being bemused by today’s brave new world on a daily basis. According to a survey of 2,000 people, these are the 20 questions we find most baffling. Sadly, the report provided no answers. As a public service to my loyal readers, I have attempted to fill the void. here’s Uncle Rich’s cut-outand-keep guide to life’s modern mysteries . . .
1) WHAT IS AN NFT?
NFI. (No F-ing Idea).
2) HOW DO I USE ChatGPT?
See answer to question one, above.
3) HOW DO THEY WORK OUT THE PRICE OF GAS AND ELECTRICITY?
They pick the highest figure they think they can get away with, then multiply it by three. The Government will then add VAT at five per cent, despite Boris Johnson saying during the referendum campaign it could be cut if we voted to leave the eU.
4) WHAT EXACTLY IS A BLACK HOLE?
A GIANT pothole on the A38, large enough to swallow a Toyota Corolla. ‘Tipped down a black hole’ is also the most accurate way of describing what happens to all the extra billions of pounds thrown at our world-class NhS.
5) HOW ARE INTEREST RATES SET?
The Governor of the Bank of england chucks darts at a wall chart, then blames the Russians for missing his target. The banks jack up mortgage rates, but fail to increase the interest paid to savers by the same amount.
6) WHAT ARE THE RULES OF CRICKET?
They used to be fairly straightforward.
Two teams would knock a bat and ball around until it started raining, and the result was decided by a couple of blokes called
Duckworth and
Lewis. But ever since they invented T20 Blast, your guess is as good as mine.
7) WHAT ARE MACROS?
heARTy dishes made from macaroni and cheese, sometimes served with chunks of lobster. Delia Smith adds leeks and bacon. Jamie Oliver favours broccoli and toasted almonds.
8) HOW DO I DO MY TAX RETURN?
AFTeR working out your increased mortgage payments, plus heating and eating costs, send a cheque for whatever you’ve got left to hMRC, where it will get lost because the staff are all working from home, eating hobnobs. you will then receive a £100 fine for a late return.
9) WHAT IS THE SOLAR SYSTEM?
ThOSe hideously ugly and ridiculously expensive panels people put on their roofs in the misguided assumption that it will cut their energy bills and combat global warming. When the sun doesn’t shine, they have to get used to taking cold showers.
10) HOW MUCH PROTEIN SHOULD I EAT?
AS MUCh as you can afford, especially red meat. have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegan? And as a friend explained, if God had intended us to eat prawns, he’d have put them on dry land and made them go ‘Moo’.
11)
WHAT IS MY DOG THINKING?
IS TheRe any of that delicious macaroni and cheese left? Although, come to think of it, I’d prefer a juicy T-bone steak.
12) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NOUN, A VERB AND AN ADJECTIVE?
NOW that practically everyone uses social media to communicate their most banal, semi-literate inner thoughts, absolutely none whatsoever.
13) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ‘AFFECT’
AND ‘EFFECT’?
See answer to question 12, above.
14) WHAT ARE THE RULES OF MODERN DATING?
A GeNTLeMAN compliments a
lady on her new dress and is immediately cancelled, loses his job and probably gets sent to prison. The correct way to ask a woman for a date is to send a picture of your penis to her mobile telephone. must navigate a baffling set of sub-menus, before giving up and smashing the screen with a hammer.
15) HOW DO I RETUNE A TV? yOU 16) HOW CAN I UNDERSTAND THE CLOCKS GOING BACK AND FORWARDS?
IN The U.S., they use a simple formula: Spring forward, Fall back. (Fall being what we call
Autumn.) When my mum moved to America, she kept getting it the wrong way round — Fall forward, Spring back. As a result she was two hours out of sync with everyone else.
17) HOW MUCH SHOULD I TIP?
I’M WITh Steve Martin, who played Mob informant Vinnie Antonelli in the movie My Blue heaven. he tipped everyone, from flight attendants to supermarket checkout staff. ‘It’s not tipping I believe in, it’s over- tipping’. Sadly, with the advent of the cashless society, tipping is on the way out.
18)
HOW DO I PRONOUNCE ‘WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE’?
WITh difficulty. If you want to show off, you could always try: ‘A dash of Lea & Perrins in my Bloody Mary, please, landlord.’ Otherwise, just say ‘Wooster sauce’ like everyone else.
19) WHAT GOES ON A SCONE FIRST, THE CREAM OR JAM?
WhO cares? Life’s too short.
20) HOW DO I STREAM THE LATEST TV SHOWS?
See answers to questions one and 15, above.