Revealed... the three types of conversation
SUPERCOMMUNICATORS by Charles Duhigg (Cornerstone £22, 320pp)
ONE of the most endearing elements of Charles Duhigg’s new book Supercommunicators is that he wryly admits his family frequently tell him he’s not one himself. However, the Pulitzer-prize winning author of The Power Of Habit clearly knows who is, judging by this compelling book about how we can all connect better.
It’s a truism that we feel increasingly divided, both politically and socially. Duhigg says it’s down to the fact that we are often having different types of conversations with each other.
After talking to an array of experts, Duhigg says that there are three types of conversation: practical, emotional and social. Practical conversations ask: what is this really about? Emotional conversations are about how we feel. Finally, social conversations involve the questions of who we are, and how we define ourselves. Supercommunicators are that rare breed who can correctly identify the type of conversations other people want to have and work with that. Because when two people are aligned, a deep sense of connection occurs — which scientists show can even cause people’s brainwaves to start to move in sync.
Of course, most of us don’t detect which conversation is which — which is why we end up fighting with our spouse, rowing with our kids or falling out with office colleagues. Happily, this book, which mixes science and how-to sections, could help us improve. Even if some of it sounds incredibly challenging.
In one experiment, participants were told to break the ice with
someone they’d never met before by asking the question: Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person? (While people had dreaded asking such a question, they rapidly formed connections to those they spoke to.)
Duhigg’s journalistic background — he’s a new york times reporter — shows. and he doesn’t shy away from the fact that this isn’t easy; one of the most interesting case studies is how researchers from harvard Law school worked to bring gun-rights and gun- control campaigners together. they spent a weekend teaching both sides techniques such as ‘looping for understanding’ — where you prove you are listening by asking the speaker questions, reflecting back and seeking confirmation you got it right — with the result that both sides engaged in honest conversations and found common emotional ground.
such was its success that the organisers established a private Facebook group to keep the discussion going. But within 45 minutes of going online, the usual insults were being furiously traded. (Before that gets too depressing, the book has a helpful list of hints on how to connect online — in brief, overemphasise politeness and underemphasise sarcasm).
there’s a lot to read and digest in this book: no wonder supercommunicators are rare. But this is one of those books that stays with you for days after you read it.
i found i was suddenly stopping to consider why an office conversation went awry: was what i thought was a chat about budgets actually about whether someone was feeling valued? Or wondering why my attempt to empathise with a stroppy teenager didn’t work — before realising it’s not about trying to see their point of view: it’s about asking questions to find out what their view is.
What makes us happiest in life is the quality of our connections and the relationships we forge, as the longitudinal harvard study of adult Development proved. and that might just start with being able to understand what someone else is really trying to say.
For as Duhigg himself points out, the right conversation at the right moment can change everything.