Why the secrecy? They didn’t want Ed Miliband bursting in and gluing himself to Sir Keir like a Just Stop Oil loon
THe celebrated hokeycokey artiste sir Keir Rodney starmer has excelled himself. ‘you put your left wing in, your left wing out, in out, in out, shake it all about.’ sir Kei r, a stern critic of government chaos, yesterday proved himself the true maestro of muddle.
It’s disarray you want? This guy’s a virtuoso. The Pele of pandemonium. Makes Rishi look like a Conference League dribbler.
Dawn brought news that the nasal knight had finally reached a conclusion about binning his £28billion eco-spending splurge. Michelangelo had laid down his chisel. The masterpiece (his decision) was ready for inspection.
This came just two days after he told Times Radio the £28billion was ‘desperately needed’ to save both Britain and the planet. It was going to happen because he was ‘ruthless’. Now the very opposite was occurring.
The cogs of his enormous brain had rotated and swivelled and whirred and bitten fast. He had made up his mind, which was now directly opposed to what he was spouting on Tuesday morning.
As football correspondents used to shout down the line to Fleet street copytakers after late goals changed the result: ‘Insert “not”!’
Hot news, mind you. For The Great Galactic Vacillator to come off the fence was an event to rival Odysseus shouting ‘coo-ee, I’m home’, or Leo Tolstoy’s inky nib scratching ‘The end’ six years after he started writing War and Peace.
At breakfast time, we had hints of a ‘major announcement’ by sir Keir and his shadow chancellor Rachel Reeves. she’s the one with the terrifyingly neat fringe and the voice almost as bunged-up as Ruthless Rodney’s.
Then, uh-oh, our old friend prevarication reared its head. Labour spinners went off air. Now the major announcement was merely going to be a press conference. No, scrub that. Press conference was off. It would be an ‘off-camera Q&a session’ for lobby journalists, venue ‘to be announced’. Why the secrecy? They didn’t want protesters (e.g. half the parliamentary Labour party). Both Corbynites and Blairites were in uproar, with former New Labour spinner John McTernan saying it was ‘the most stupid decision the Labour party has made’.
And why no cameras? Party managers didn’t want ed Miliband bursting through the door and gluing himself to sir Keir like a Just stop Oil loon.
AFTER lunch reporters were given details of the rendezvous (this tape will self- destruct in five seconds). The venue was the former shadow cabinet room deep in the bowels of Westminster, somewhere behind the speaker’s chair. some scribes got lost trying to find it.
On arrival they found a scene almost like Miss Havisham’s room: dust, cobwebs, a high ceiling, wood-panelling, all as cold as a crypt. a fine example of the need for home insulation, egad. a few desultory chairs were pushed against the wall but the reporters ignored them. sir Keir, in open-necked shirt, settled one buttock on the room’s table. Miss Reeves was obliged to stand.
The green spending pledge, said sir Keir, had been ‘stood down’. stood down! That’s one way of saying ‘flushed down the khazi because even we can now see ed Miliband is nuts’. Mr Miliband was not in the room. sir Keir’s bodyguards aren’t that stupid. But the reporters were assured that the shadow energy secretary was ‘fully signed up’.
Poor ed. For years he has dreamed of spending billions on eco policies and now he has been humiliated by two people who speak like characters from a Tunes advert.
As for sir Keir, his people have spent recent months asserting that the next general election will be fought on the economy. ‘We’ve parked our tanks on the Tories’ lawn,’ they have said, suavely jiggling the keys to 10 downing street in their pockets. But this was their one economic policy. and now it has gone phutt.
Sir Keir may no longer be going to save the planet but when it comes to political strategy, his Labour party is as green as supermarket bananas.