Brawling dockers and icy winds . . . Billy’s fond memories of Scotland
For a guy of 81 who retired five years ago, Sir William Connolly is a busy fellow. In the past few months, he has published another book of memoirs, rambling Man, and hinted at a return to stand-up comedy.
Now he’s back with his freewheeling series of reminiscences and musings, Billy Connolly Does . . . (Gold), in conversation with his friend, the film-maker Mike reilly. The concept is simple — point a camera at the maestro of mischief, ask a loaded question and wait for verbal pyrotechnics.
The anecdotes and one-liners are liberally interspersed with excerpts from 50 years of monologues, travelogues and chat shows. An hour of this induces a conviction that the Big Yin has said something hilarious and scabrous about every subject under the sun — this week, all with a patriotic theme.
Here he is on traditional Scottish attire: ‘When I grew up, the kilt was a joke. You saw a guy in a kilt, you shouted, “Kilty-kilty- cold-bum!” Get married in a kilt? Might as well get married in a bloody parachute.’
And on the wind in Glasgow: ‘You put a raincoat on up there and you can hang-glide. There’s people going shopping with their wee’uns on bits of string, like kites.’
That wind has an icy bite: ‘Most of us are conceived while our parents are fully clothed. There’s two seasons in Scotland . . . June and winter.’
He’s at his very best, though, when he’s remembering childhood in a world that no longer exists. As a youngster, he and his mates would crouch on the warm pavement above the underground ovens of Diggens bakery, while they waited for the pubs to close and the night’s entertainment to begin: drunken fights between the dockers.
His favourite prank was played when beggars came around, singing outside street windows for pennies. Billy would take a pair of pliers and heat a penny on the gas range, then chuck it into the gutter — and watch the poor bloke yell when he picked it up. Ah, innocent times.
on bank holidays, he said, the sandy shores of the Clyde were packed with families in scarfs and raincoats, grimly having picnics. Decades later, he took his own daughters for a seaside break in rothesay, on the isle of Bute: ‘We had to buy them more clothes, it was so cold.’
His beard is no longer pink but white and bushy these days, and his hair is braided in pigtails like a clan warrior. There’s always been a ferocious edge to his appearance, as there is to his wit, but it’s matched with a warmth of heart no other comedian possesses.
In sunnier climes, Sally Lindsay’s cosy French crime tales, The Madame Blanc Mysteries (Ch5), reached a natural conclusion. Taxi driver Dom (Steve Edge), a man who has trouble deciding which sock to put on first, at last plucked up the courage to propose to antiques dealer Jean.
Fans will hope the show returns for a fourth run, though nothing has been announced yet. If this proves to be the last time we see the characters, we left them happy — especially Judith and Jeremy (Sue Holderness and robin Askwith) who discovered a million quids-worth of vintage brandy hidden in their winebar.
Better yet, a grinning Jeremy announced his weekly marital privileges were being reinstated. Askwith’s cheeky grin still belongs in those saucy 1970s Confessions movies.
There was no murder, only an accidental death during a card game. This happened in flashback, with CGI trickery used in an attempt to make Tony robinson, as shifty Uncle Patrick, appear 30 years younger. It wasn’t successful — he looked like he’d been dipped headfirst in botox.
DAD JOKE OF THE NIGHT:
It was mating season for the rhinoceroses on Secret Life Of The Safari Park (Ch4). ‘Look, it’s a frisky rhino,’ one mum told her young son, watching through the car window. ‘No,’ corrected his father — ‘it’s a horny rhino!’