The bloodiest mauling I’ve seen since our Patterdale terrier bit the Rector’s bottom
THOSE of us who keep Patterdale terriers consider ourselves hardened to violence. You should have been there the day she bit the Rector’s bottom. Nasty business. There was some distinctly Old Testament language.
The trade secretary, Kemi Badenoch, was on a similar level of ferocity yesterday. Henry Staunton, the Post Office chairman given the heave-ho by Mrs Badenoch, was incautious enough at the weekend to venture criticisms of her. He suggested, uh-oh, that she tried to play electoral games with the Post Office-Horizon compensation scheme.
If our terrier is loose when strangers drive to the front door, my wife runs out shouting ‘don’t get out of your car, don’t even open the door!’ It has saved a few from terrible maulings. Alas, no one said this to Mr Staunton. Poor chap didn’t stand a chance.
Kemi steamed into the Commons at teatime to make a statement about Mr Staunton’s accusations. She went for him. A vulpine canter, the silent baring of teeth, paws skittering across gravel and then the sound of punctured flesh and splintering bone. Noooooo! Mrs Badenoch chewed him like a contestant in a corn-on-the-cob-speed-eating competition. Terrible mess. By the end there was little left of Mr Staunton save for one slightly surprised-looking eyeball and some indigestible toenails.
His allegations, averred Mrs Badenoch, were ‘completely false’, ‘patently untrue’, ‘a series of falsehoods’. Having seen his ‘cavalier approach’ she was glad to have sacked the fella. It was ‘right the public knows the facts’, so she was publishing an official record of the telephone call in which she gave him the boot. His claims were ‘a disgrace’ and ‘a blatant attempt to seek revenge for dismissal’.
Unnecessarily, perhaps, she added: ‘I will not hesitate to defend myself.’ Mongoose blows on its smoking fangs and walks away from the cobra’s corpse.
The Commons enjoys bloodshed as much as any corrida. MPs blinked a bit and reached for another toffee. This was more fun than they had dared hope. In the peers’ gallery sat Lady Stuart (Crossbencher), who as first civil service commissioner has an interest in Whitehall truth-telling. She rubbed her face. Splodges of Staunton cartilage had possibly sprayed her. The shadow minister, Johnny Reynolds – he’s the one who looks like Prince Michael of Kent – didn’t get where he is today by taking pointless risks. He burbled amiably about public trust in the system. Mrs Badenoch, momentarily slaked or merely fighting back indigestion as the last piece of Staunton toupee slid down the hatch, ‘welcomed his tone’. Mr Reynolds gave a shudder of relief. He had escaped.
KEVAN Jones (Lab, North Durham) was less fortunate. Jonesy dawdled. The longer his question continued, the more the kraken frowned. Mr Jones has been campaigning on the Post Office scandal for years and is accustomed to gooey plaudits. He expected respect. Patterdales do not recognise such namby-pamby concepts. If snapped at – Mr Jones, with a moue, accused Kemi of ‘cover-up’ – they snap back. So she had a go right back and snarled that he was playing party-political games.
Dame Diana Johnson (Lab, Hull North) lost an ankle. Debbie Abrahams (Lab Oldham East) needed stretcher-bearers. ‘She plainly wasn’t listening to my statement,’ said Kemi of dim Debbie, her lip curling like a woodlouse. Lee Anderson (Con, Ashfield) hoped Mr Staunton would not receive a pay-off. Mrs Badenoch agreed.
Then came a glorious moment when Stella Creasy (Lab, Walstamstow) accused the minister of being a self-publicist. This from the Barbara Cartland of Twitter herself. Patterdales, alas, don’t do irony. Mrs Badenoch may be impressively fierce but she could work a little on her humour.
On a day of allegations we should also note that Andrew Rosindell (Con, Romford) returned to the chamber having scandalously been kept away for two years by an investigation into accusations the police have now dropped. Mr Rosindell, swearing the oath to the King, was embraced and welcomed back by colleagues. He looked not a little emotional. Understandably so.