Jaw-dropping interview with ruthless killer!
EARLIER this month, top TV host Tucker Carlson successfully interviewed Vladimir Putin, and established that the Russian President wishes, above all else, to bring peace and a sense of community to the people of Ukraine. And now Carlson has pulled off a second scoop, an exclusive interview with another muchmaligned figure — Jaws, the world-famous shark.
CARLSON: Mr Jaws, thank you for granting me this interview. I know this has been a very busy period for you, so I’m very grateful to you for sparing the time.
JAWS: No problem, Tucker. You’re right, I’ve been very busy bringing peace and reconciliation to Amity Island. But believe me, it’s worth it, just to see all those people yelping with such delight as I drop by to say hello.
CARLSON: So tell me, Mr Jaws . . .
JAWS: Just call me Jaws.
CARLSON: Gee, thanks, Jaws. So tell me, Jaws, to what do you attribute the bad press you’ve been getting recently?
JAWS: I will provide you with a brief historical background.
CARLSON: Please. JAWS: Let’s look at the historic relationship between the shark community and Amity. Back in the year 862, the islanders of Amity invited the great shark Toothi to become its mayor. The next very significant date is 988, when Im Plant, the great-grandson of Toothi, began to unite the townspeople of Amity with the shark community — and he did this by consuming them.
CARLSON: Consuming them?
JAWS: Yes, and they were so happy to be consumed. Why? Because they realised that they would be transported through the oceans faster and more efficiently than ever before. I have here ancient transcripts from leading shark historians which attest to the joy of Amity citizens as the sharks approached. May I quote it?
‘Never did the people of Amity run so fast as when they first saw the fins of the sharks.’
You see! They ran to greet their liberators!
CARLSON: Though commentators in the mainstream media would probably argue that these folks were running away from the sharks, not towards them.
JAWS: Nonsense! The word Amity originally meant ‘Lovers of Sharks’. You see, from the year 1294 onwards, the sharks were welcomed as leading members of the Amity community. The postman was a shark, the baker was a shark, the mayor was a shark. They were hard workers. Yes, those sharks really got their teeth into it.
CARLSON: That was 1294. Could I move you to the modern day.
JAWS: Wait! I’m coming to that! But first we have another 800 years to explain. So in the year 1295, the great shark Peg decided that it would be in the best interests of all the islanders of Amity to have their legs cleanly bitten off. She knew how much they liked to stay in one place, and so, in a kindly spirit of co-operation, she did her best to help them achieve this ambition.
CARLSON: Fascinating [glances at his watch]. So, if I could just ask you to zip forward to the year 1975.
JAWS: But I have not yet informed you of the all the contributions to the Amity economy made by the SBF . . .
CARLSON: That’s the Shark Benevolent Fund.
JAWS: . . . over a period of 600 years or more. We contributed so much to the local economy. Human beings travelled from far and wide to swim in the same sea as us.
CARLSON: And then in 1975, American-backed companies made the feature film Jaws.
JAWS: Not a feature film — total propaganda! A provocation, and a cheap provocation at that! The United States controls all the world’s media!
CARLSON: You felt its portrayal of you was in some way unfair?
JAWS: You bet I did! They made me out to be some kind of deadly predator. But I was just having a bit of fun. OK, so I may have had a little nibble, but when was it a crime to enjoy eating out?
CARLSON: Any further message you’d care to give our viewers?
JAWS: ‘I’d like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.’
CARLSON (JOINING IN): ‘I’d like to hold it in my arms, and keep it company!’ Beautiful!
JAWS: Shall we end it there, or is there anything else?
CARLSON: No, I think that’s great. Thank you kindly for your time, Mr Jaws.