It’s a battle to help my wife lose weight

DEAR BEL,

MY WIFE and I have been together for more than 20 years and I love her very much.

But the older she gets, the less effort she seems to be making to maintain her weight.

She always had to diet to maintain a healthy weight but the diets are getting less and less frequent and her weight is gradually increasing.

She does zero exercise and when I suggest that she should to improve her health, she always has a list ready of excuses as to why not.

I’m fortunate in that I am naturally slimmer and I exercise a lot.

But rather than motivating her to do the same, she simply sees that as my fortunate genes and comforts herself that she’d never be able to achieve the same, even if she did try.

The truth is (and I won’t deny it) I find her less attractive as she continues to gain weight.

The lack of effort in her care for her appearance does bother me.

I am fearful as she gets older that she will continue to make less effort and at some point, her health will suffer.

I have tried lots of approaches — supportive as well as critical — and while she appears to know that I am right, it rarely seems to result in any action.

How can I help her back to a healthy weight before it is too late?

ALAN

TheSe days, mentioning weight is opening a can of worms, even though the obesity statistics tell the dismal truth and the NhS is under pressure. I have a friend who was sacked because she dared to express the rational view that those who are overweight might do something about it themselves, instead of always citing ‘ mental health’ or opining arrogantly that fat is beautiful.

There will be people (probably women) reading this who will be angry with you for expressing your problem so succinctly. But I admire the honesty which identifies two issues here.

First, you are rightly concerned about the future health of a woman who doesn’t care very much about her weight. Second, you admit, as a man, that for you fat is just not fanciable. Those who say that appearance shouldn’t matter are idealistic — but not necessarily right.

I suspect that were your wife to be ill and taking medicine that caused her to pile on the pounds, you would be nothing but sympathetic. What bothers you is that she could try to lose unhealthy weight but doesn’t care. You’ve been trying ‘lots of approaches’ so I’m not really sure what I can add.

As one who took no exercise at all until I was 59, and am now a convert to weight training, I know that one of the crucial benefits is the huge boost in morale as flabbiness is diminished.

That’s a win-win. I wish I could give her a pep talk.

I fear you may come across as both complacent and bossy each time you try to ‘sell’ diet and exercise. It might be better to make a start by working together instead of nagging her then going off to do your own thing.

Like a couple I know, you could share weekly sessions with a personal trainer. You should work out healthy fortnightly menus and always shop and cook together. You could buy some free weights and exercise bands, put on the music you both loved when you were young, and prance about for an hour a day at home.

Look up chair yoga exercises and do them with her. If you enthuse to her that together you can make it fun, and that you want to share a healthy future because you love her — then she might just have a go.