Men love to channel their inner caveman – and why would I rain on their parade like so many women do?
excellent husband — just not mine! I was constantly told I’d make a good wife.
During each of those dozens of relationships, I learned what really makes a man tick. How much men love to be made a fuss of. That whether we like it or not, deep down, they want someone who can cook, gets along famously with their mum, will watch the football, instigates sex and generally looks after them. And while it may go against popular opinion, that’s fine with me.
Trust me when I say you can do all these things and still maintain the power in the relationship; I’m no man’s doormat.
One boyfriend and I made countless trips to India, every single one prompted by yours truly, igniting my lifelong fascination with yoga and Indian philosophy. But I bet if you were to ask my ex he’d tell you those holidays were all his idea.
While countless friends fell for commitment-phobes, I would only date men who actively pursued me. Why bother with nonstarters? As my 20s drew to a close, however, I got caught up with the ‘marry before 30’ mantra. I got chatting with my old college boyfriend — yes, him again! — and we tied the knot, all forgiven and forgotten.
I naively assumed third time would prove a charm. But I wasn’t afraid to finish things for the third time when the same old Saturday Waitrose shop, Sunday morning sex routine began to pall.
It might sound harsh but there’s no point in eking things out when you know it’s not right. Laserfocussed on my television career — he saw my job as the third party in our relationship — I accepted a position as a creative head for a production company in Los Angeles.
I dreaded breaking things off with my fabulous mother-in-law (who referred to me as the daughter
she never had) more than my then husband. I sobbed and sobbed the entire Christmas and New Year over losing her.
But I was fair to him during the divorce and even gave him part of our agreed pay-off upfront so he could take his new girlfriend on holiday. That’s the thing with men, they don’t stay in heartbreak hotel mode for very long — and why should they?
Men are robust, men are very good at bouncing back, men do
not view break-ups as a defining ‘ before and after’ moment in their lives the way some of us women do. It’s why when I hear my female compatriots weeping and wailing about taking a long time to get over a divorce, I honestly want to give them the ‘Look, love’ conversation about getting a bloody grip.
In LA, I was impressed by how Californian women navigated relationships. They genuinely didn’t view a relationship breakdown as the end of the world. The attitude was there were plenty more fish.
I had a few post-divorce flings with men I had no intention of settling down with. By now I had my dumping techniques down to a fine art: ‘Thanks for a wonderful time, I wish you a great life.’
While filming a reality series called Bridezilla in an upmarket Californian bridal store, I mentioned to the manager I was in the middle of a divorce.
Before I knew it, she had me shoehorned into a bridal gown for ‘the inevitable’ (her words) second marriage. She even offered a discount on my next dress and the one after. Before you gasp… why not?
My childhood self would have wholeheartedly believed in marriage for life, but adulthood isn’t as simple. I’ve learnt we change as people as each decade goes by and if you don’t evolve together then it isn’t fair to stay with someone ‘just because’.
It was two years before I felt I
was ready to commit to another relationship; step forward my (current) husband Pascal, now 63. What started as a holiday romance became the love of my life.
He is such a traditional guy and so different from other men I have loved. He has always told me he’d protect me and he has.
As for me, I’ve always kept house and cooked for him. We have quite traditional roles at home and, for us, it works.
I’m utterly amazed we have been married for 16 years (and I have no doubt he is too).
It is my longest relationship by a good decade. I have no intention of leaving Pascal — we’re very, very happy — but as that rather wise saying goes ‘God laughs when you make plans’.
So I don’t kid myself that ‘until death do us part’ is a realistic proposition for anyone — including myself.
The secret to our success? We don’t do Netflix binges or scroll online in each other’s company. We socialise together because I still enjoy his company. He has the kind of fizzy energy that lights up a room.
And as for sex, it’s always been central to our relationship.
Ultimately, though, I believe men will come and go but the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.
So if things aren’t working out, don’t cling on — walk away.
Cooly, calmly, with dignity intact.
‘ Thanks for a wonderful time, I wish you a great life’