I can’t stop my son drowning in debt

DEAR BEL

OVER the years, my son (50 and a talented graphic designer) has never managed money, often borrowing from me, my husband or his late father. During lockdown, Matthew was depressed so we paid for some counselling. We helped so much, especially my husband, who was very generous, seeing as it’s his stepson.

Not a lot changed until August 2021 when I was poorly, brought on by the stress, and told my son he must get a permanent job. He did — and earns about £2,600 month. But still says he cannot manage.

In December, I tackled him again about the constant ‘borrowing’ (since September I haven’t been repaid). He admitted having an old County Court Judgement for debt. To compound things, his partner of 14 years, Tina, has no idea!

We sought help from Citizens Advice Bureau about the debt, now standing at £2,112. My husband has offered to settle the CCJ as long as Matthew pays him back monthly.

Last weekend we wanted to talk through his dire money issues with his partner but he warned if I tell Tina it would be the end of their relationship.

My husband and I both feel she’d be very understanding, especially as my husband has offered to help. But he got very angry and defensive.

He takes out £40 a day — not for food or bus fare. I think he’s gambling. Each month he has no money left about ten days after payday. He never opens his mail and says he never gets bank statements — but cobbled together a spreadsheet, indicating his expenses.

I didn’t believe a word — especially as he’d entered £250 supposedly going to me each month, which is absolutely not true! He refuses our help and recently stole money from his eight-year-old son’s money-box.

My other son ( a very successful company director) suggests we seek help from a behaviour specialist, but I know Matthew would not be interested. I’ve told Matthew there’ll be no more money from the Bank of Mum and it‘s crucifying me.

FIONA

A50-YeAR- olD man with a profession who steals from his eightyearold son’s money box? I find it very hard to process that, and so will the readers. A deadbeat druggie on heroin, yes — but not a talented guy with a salary.

The other strange thing about this story (your unedited letter was three times as long) is that he and Tina have a joint account from which she just takes money as she needs it.

You rightly see that as ‘part of the problem’ — and yet she’s ignorant of his borrowing and debt, after 14 years. In denial, he doesn’t open bank statements — but why doesn’t she? This careless couple are in a mess, aided and abetted by the people around them.

You say you don’t think the money is going on drugs ‘as he seems oK in himself’. But you can be a highfunctioning cocaine addict without people knowing. Within your son’s professional milieu, it’s quite likely, I’m afraid.

Since a gram of cocaine can cost around £80 and might last just a day or two, debt can soon accrue. Meanwhile, 0.5 per cent of people are addicted to gambling and he may indeed be one. Addiction can cause appalling behaviour, like stealing from a child’s savings.

Addicts lose control. And the story of your son’s adulthood is marked by a total lack of control.

After a letter like this, I’d normally suggest the Citizens Advice Bureau for help with debt management, as well as counselling for other issues. But you tried both. And I’d suggest total honesty within the family — which you certainly have not tried.

There’s no reason why Tina should be shielded from her partner’s serious problems — to which she unwittingly contributes. The couple are both adults and the time is coming for a short, sharp shock. They have to learn about consequences.

I understand why it ‘crucifies’ you to close the ‘Bank of Mum’ but you have no choice. You must remain strong. You have spoon-fed and bailed out your irresponsible son for years (like paying his mortgage) and it has to stop.

It could be that he always felt over- shadowed by his clever, sensible brother — but that would be an issue for more counselling.

Meanwhile, Matthew and Tina have to work on this problem together, for the sake of their child.

There is plentiful online advice about managing budgets etc. If she cannot cope and chooses to leave him, then that might be the best outcome — and there is nothing you, as his mum, can do about it. Now’s the time for some Tough love — and that means (in this case) letting go.