They’re not that great! My A to Z of the over-rated
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger: off camera he’s this skinny little thing, a proper weakling, speaks like Julian Clary. Couldn’t lift a 5lb bag of potatoes. BUCKINGHAM PALACE: People say it’s big but it’s not. Poky, more like. I always felt sorry for the Queen, having to squeeze into a little shoebox like that. I’d have got her a much better deal, but she refused to sign with me, I don’t know why. She deserved better.
CLAUS, SANTA: Everybody thinks that he’s this lovely guy, do you know what I mean, but it’s all show. When you see him backstage, he’s always grabbing all those gifts back and being ever so bitchy to his reindeers.
DELILAH: Why, why, why indeed. She was nothing special. I wouldn’t have given her a second glance.
EVEREST: Not what I’d call a mountain. Barely comes up too my shoulders.
FINCH, ATTICUS: Worst lawyer I ever encountered, and a horrible guy too boot. never won a case in his life.
GRAND CANYON:
Believe me, it was barely even a canyon before I stepped ini and had a word. And the moment I got it to change its name to Grand Canyon, all the tourists came flocking. World famous before you knew it! But did I ever hear a word of thanks?
HAMILTON, LEWIS: The guy can’t drive for toffee. Just chugs along in third, never looking where he’s going. I’m surprised he even got his licence, frankly.
INDIA: Tiny little country, not much bigger than the Isle of Wight. I heard they gave the mapmakers a handy little bit on the side just to make it appear larger.
JONES, INDIANA: Should have stayed in that classroom, frankly. KOH-I-NOOR: not what I’d call a proper diamond. Much too small, no sparkle at all. LIBERTY, STATUE OF: The way she stands there, with her hand raised up, holding that torch, you’d think she was really something, wouldn’t you? But I knew her when she was working for peanuts in a coffee shop in Sligo.
You wouldn’t look twice at her. Believe me, that girl has nothing to boast about.
MUSK, ELON: He’s not fooling me with that poor-little-rich-guy act. He hasn’t got two pennies to rub together. Take it from me – I saw his last bank statement.
NESSIE: She’s a monster. OPPENHEIMER: Call that an explosion? Hardly! I’ve seen bigger bangs from indoor fireworks in my own living room. PADDINGTON BEAR: You know what, I never believed him when he said he came from Peru. From what I hear, he came from Croydon. And who wears a duffel coat these days?
QUASIMODO: When I discovered him, he was nothing. Just another little hunchback. So I called in a few favours and got him this great gig at notre dame. And the rest is history. nnever thanked mme for it. not eeven a word.
ROLLS-ROYCE: More like a Dinky Toy than a real car. No leg room at all, and it's all bump-bump-bump along even the smoothest road.
STONEHENGE: It’s starting to look very old. Who would want to live there now? Believe me, there’s no plumbing, no proper roofing and it’s most dreadfully draughty. Yeah, it was great in its day, but if it were up to me I would pull it down and rebuild.
TINTIN: You should hear what Snowy had to say about him. And he should do something about that quiff.
U2: If only they’d taken my advice, they could have been a big success.
VICTORIA FALLS: More of a dribble, when you get up close. WONDER WOMAN: She has let herself go.
X-MEN: not what I’d call superheroes. Between you and me, Wolverine can’t bear to be in the same room as Cyclops.
YURI GAGARIN: All talk. I’ve been into space more times than that guy ever did.
ZEBEDEE: That ‘ Time for bed’ nonsense – I can’t be dealing with it. All bounce, no talent.