Our fragile children won’t heal rift
AS The parent of adult children I have nothing but sympathy. It always amazes me that younger parents seriously believe that once their children have grown, their parenting job is over. Personally, I feel I’ll be worrying about my children and grandchildren as I draw my very last croaking breath.
Let’s pretend for a moment that we are talking about two other adults. In other words, you didn’t write this letter, nor is it about your children.
Read it again carefully; what do you think? It seems we are faced with two rather immature people, incapable of seeing how their behaviour affects others, but ready to rage and cry at what they regard as totally unforgivable insults/hurts.
Does that seem unfair? Yet it may also be accurate.
Before people hit me with the ‘mental breakdown’ stick, I just want to repeat my belief (shared by many) that such a label is used too readily.
I’m not saying Jenna and (especially) Michael did not suffer breakdowns; I’m just questioning the term and wondering why it is so easily used as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.
Your mention of Jenna’s episode has that tinge to it. You see, here we have a mother of two, age 45, who responds with ‘ anger and tears’ to a simple request that she should say: ‘Sorry, bro, I didn’t get it ‘cos I was stressed out. Next time I’ll do better — so let’s make a new start.’
If her tantrum seems unreasonable, so does Michael’s stubborn insistence on choosing to be hurt. he could grit his teeth and say: ‘ OK, sis, I didn’t realise it was a bad day. Yeah, I was p***ed off, but let’s move on.’
You’ve asked them both to think about the effect of their quarrel on you, their poor parents. But they don’t care. It suits them much more to clutch their victimhood to their chests for months, while you — obviously a generous, tolerant and loving mum — suffer.
You’ve tried being fair but my feeling is that you regard your daughter as more at fault. So what next? I would invite each of them to tea, without telling the other.
Confronting them with ‘ the enemy’ may cause a fuss, but would enable you and your husband to do some tough talking. I suspect you’ve been pleading and conciliatory up to now.
how’s about your husband telling them he can’t stand what they are doing to their mother any more, and until they’re capable of saying a simple sorry to each other, you don’t want to see either of them? And what if you agreed?