I think I’m losing my lifelong friend

DEAR BEL,

I HAVE a worrying problem over my best friend, Milly. We’ve known each other since the age of 11 and we’re now 66. My first marriage ended after three years and I moved south, where I met my second husband. Milly kept in touch, even though we moved several times.

Milly’s son became very ill in his teens but after a long battle, was declared cancer-free. All through, we communicated our feelings and attended special occasions like birthdays.

Three years ago, Milly called to say her son’s cancer had returned. We still made plans, even booking a cruise for us and them. Some time later, sadly, Milly’s son passed away. I wasn’t well enough to go to the funeral, but my husband and daughter attended on my behalf.

Twelve months later, we at last went on the cruise and had a lovely time. Understandably, Milly had very emotional moments, but her husband, although very nice, can seem unemotional and not much of a comfort.

I’m now at a loss. We’ve been home from the cruise over a year, and although I’ve attempted to speak to Milly on the phone, I’ve not succeeded.

She promises to call, saying I am her best friend, and we will talk, but these seem empty promises. To make things worse, her husband is planning on moving them to another country, which I know she is loath to do. She has a daughter with four children who she would miss desperately. Given her silence, is there anything I can do to mend our friendship and find out what’s going on?

SARA

THE same postbag, interestingly, contained a letter from L, puzzled and devastated because the niece she has holidayed with for ten years suddenly wanted to change plans.

L writes, ‘ After some reservations we agreed on a late spring break and booked separate flights. But I still felt quite hurt and finally sent a message telling her.

‘If she’d said, “Sorry to have made you feel this way” that would have been the end of it. But she didn’t. She became quite rude . . . and ended by saying she wasn’t sure she wanted to go away with me this year.

‘That was a month ago. After her last message I replied saying I couldn’t go alone, was sorry to have annoyed her, but could we just agree to disagree or words to that effect. No reply. I don’t know what to do and have no one else to go with.’

L feels both rejected and bewildered, just as you do. Readers may have experienced similar hurtful rejections from friends.

I expect L regrets ever revealing her hurt — and no wonder. Because once you impose such guilt on the other person they will not forgive you, even if they know they have behaved tactlessly, thoughtlessly or badly.

That’s why my first suggestion is that you do some heart-searching and ask yourself whether you said anything at all tactless to your friend on that cruise. She was still in a state of grief and exhaustion, and so — to be honest — your own ‘lovely time’ might not have been hers. How can we know? The slightest word, taken the wrong way, can be stored in the sad soul’s arsenal of hurt.

Only you can go back in time to query whether you said or did anything even slightly inappropriate to make Milly feel distant. Did you ever seem critical of her ‘unemotional’ husband? It could be you judge him wrongly and in fact he is the rock she utterly depends on.

It feels rather strange to me that even though she hasn’t been in touch, you feel sure enough to maintain you ‘know’ Milly’s feelings about possibly moving abroad.

I feel very sad for you (and for L) that a relationship of many years can suddenly end. The trouble is, people change — especially after a devastating emotional shock like bereavement.

Sometimes they cannot bear the memories of a life which contained their beloved dead — and that rejection can included both people and places. Sometimes a move is essential: a fresh start which tries to outrun pain.

Would it be a good idea for your husband to be in contact with Milly’s husband? After all, they should know each other well by now. If the two men can discuss the matter unemotionally and try to find a way through to ensure that Milly talks to you again, for old time’s sake, she might at least be able to explain her long silence.

But if that means, simply, that she has decided to let your friendship go, then you have no option but to accept that painful truth.