Rude pal is ruining our female group

DEAR BEL,

I AM part of a strong female friendship group. Over ten years we’ve had many holidays, weekend breaks and meals out, often meeting on a weekly basis.

Sadly, in the past few years one member of the group has changed and become consistently rude and challenging.

She has insulted one or other of us on every occasion and turned from being witty and amusing to being acerbic and caustic, and making unpleasant ‘jokes’ at the expense of each of the members in the group in turn.

She was away recently when we got together and it was a relief (but no surprise) to realise we’re all finding it incredibly difficult to tolerate her.

We agree we’re all sitting waiting for the next insult to someone in the group. It’s now got to the stage where we don’t want to hold the usual birthday or special occasion events, or arrange our annual skiing holiday. We don’t feel comfortable excluding her because of the previous tightness of the group. But the prospect of another occasion with her is too much to contemplate.

We have considered what may be causing this and there doesn’t seem to be a medical or emotional issue.

Rather she enjoys a laugh and she’s said she doesn’t care how a joke or comment is received any more.

We really don’t know what to do. The group is important to all of us but at the moment our activities have ground to a halt.

We don’t feel talking to her will have any effect — we’ll probably get even more snide comments thereafter.

But we are loath to let our friendship group wither because of one person we previously held in high regard. What do you suggest?

JUDITH

FemAle friendships are hugely important and I feel sorry for women who don’t have them. Women can give each other immense support and I bet there are times when one or other of you comes to a meet-up feeling a bit low but is soon laughing with the rest of you. So your problem is far from trivial.

The worst- case scenario feels horribly clear to me. Something has to be sacrificed. One member of your group seems likely to destroy all you have shared unless you are brave enough to do something about it. You say: ‘We have considered what may be causing this and there doesn’t seem to be a medical or emotional issue.’

How can you know? Presumably you discussed this when she wasn’t there, but my own first thought on reading your letter was that there might well be something wrong.

I’d be wondering if she is on the autistic spectrum, yet you say she hasn’t always been like this.

It is certainly not appropriate for me to make any sort of guessdiagnosis, but I want to suggest things for you to think about.

Another point is that she may be showing signs of dementia.

You don’t mention her age but, in any case, early- onset dementia can start in the 40s and can certainly cause mood changes. I think, in fairness to her, you should all think about these things. might it be possible to speak in confidence to a member of her family?

There remains the issue of fairness to all of you. It would be very sad if you allowed the group — which means so much to everyone — to fall apart. Since this lady has said ‘she doesn’t care how a joke or comment is received any more’ either somebody must have protested to her, or she is quite aware that she is causing pain.

If it’s the latter, then she’s becoming the sort of unpleasant person you surely don’t want as a friend. People do change — and we must change with them. Groups can’t always stay the same.

What would happen if one of you (draw lots?) were to call her out next time she is intolerably snide? An honest row might (a) clear the air and show her she must mind her manners or (b) annoy her so much she says goodbye. Suffering in silence is not an option.