CHILDCARE WAR WITH DAUGHTER

Dear Coleen

My daughter and I can’t seem to agree when it comes to her ex-boyfriend and my granddaughter’s childcare needs. My daughter works in a private nursery so my granddaughter goes there twice a week and I take her the other two or three days to save her the extra expense. However, when I ask her ex to take her the odd time, he just sticks her in the nursery to save himself any work. If my daughter wants a night out he won’t babysit. I’ve brought the subject up time and time again with both of them, but they just stick up for each other. He has threatened to stop me seeing my granddaughter, even though he’s not her biological father. My granddaughter is four and I adore her, but I’m also a full-time carer for my dad, who has dementia, so I get very little time to myself. Please help.

Coleen says

You sound like you’re feeling a little used. I don’t think you feel appreciated, even though you love your granddaughter and want to see her, and that’s where this angst is coming from. I think you need to decide going forward how much time you can commit to childcare each week, so you can have some downtime. I realise you’re worried about them being spiteful and saying you can’t have your granddaughter at all, but I don’t think that’s likely – it sounds as if they do need your help. They just need to be reminded of that. From now on, I’d keep all discussions about your granddaughter between you and your daughter. The bottom line is, if her ex wants to use the nursery, I’m not sure what you can do about it. I get your frustration if he’s meant to be her dad, yet spends little time with her, but as long as your granddaughter is happy and healthy and being looked after, you might just have to agree to disagree on how they decide to do things.