BEING NICE PUTS WOMEN OFF ME

Dear Coleen

I’m a 55-year-old man. Unfortunately, women seem to find the fact that I’m a gentle, loving bloke a complete turn-off. I also struggle with intimacy issues because I was used inappropriately by women at the ages of six and seven. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had a proper relationship since I was 22. Why should I have to behave as someone I’m not just to find love? I have tried counselling, but we just seem to go through the motions. I hope you can advise.

Coleen says

First of all, if you’re ‘going through the motions’ in counselling it’s down to you to change how you approach it. Because of what happened to you as a child, you must have buried lots of difficult emotions and you can get those out during counselling. You can work back through those events, which you may never have discussed with anyone else and which probably have affected your relationships, even if it’s on a subconscious level. But you have to open your mind to it. Also, why not try another counsellor? You don’t have to stick to the same one. Some women do like ‘bad boys’, but most of them end up writing to me. As a woman, I can tell you there are lots of us looking for Mr Nice And Reliable and just because you haven’t met one of these women, it doesn’t mean there isn’t one out there for you. You’re absolutely right – you shouldn’t change yourself. You can’t keep up the pretence of being someone you’re not. Somewhere down the line the real you will come out. Please don’t think there’s something wrong with being a nice guy. Have confidence in who you are – that’s what’s most attractive.