THREATENED BY UNSTABLE LOVER

Dear Coleen

I am in a terrible situation. Four years ago I started an affair with a married man. I’m also married. I told him I would never leave my husband as I have two children and don’t want to hurt them. I started realising my lover was controlling and possessive, and I tried to end it. He went mad, threatening to harm my husband and to tell my children. I have no choice but to stay with him or break my children’s hearts by splitting up our family. He is aggressive and frightens me and now makes my skin crawl, but I’m not brave enough to leave. He says he would hunt me down and make my life hell if I were to go, as no one makes a fool of him (his words). I’m living on my nerves, but I know I was stupid and it’s all my fault. Please help.

Coleen says

Stop blaming yourself and take some control back. Do not allow him to blackmail you. I think the best way forward is to tell your husband and then this guy has nothing to hold over you. He sounds emotionally abusive and not very stable, so I don’t think warning him you’re going to tell your husband would be enough. And if he continues to make threats, then get the police involved. I don’t know how your husband is going to react, but if he knows you’re being threatened then I’m sure he’ll want to deal with that. My guess is, this man will back off immediately once he knows the game is up and if he thinks you or your husband will tell his wife about the affair. As far as your marriage goes, it is possible to rebuild it if that’s what he wants. It’ll come down to lots of reassurance, time and possibly counselling. He might decide he can’t move on from it, but you can’t carry on living in fear and trying to cover it up. I understand how awful it will be to own up to this situation, but it’s happened and now you have to deal with it – don’t stick your head in the sand. Good luck.