Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Wicked wife has been talking behind my back
Dear Coleen
I overheard my wife saying horrible things about me to her friend and it’s made me wonder whether I should call time on our marriage. I’m 39, she’s 36 and we’ve been together for eight years. We also have a son aged two. We haven’t had sex since our son was born. I’ve tried talking to her but she says her sex drive went after the birth and she’s never in the mood. We don’t do anything as a couple any more. Again, she makes excuses, but when her friends ask her to go out, she drops everything. Then the other day she and a friend were sitting in our garden talking while I was upstairs doing DIY. The window was open and I could hear them, which they obviously didn’t realise. My wife said some awful things – really unjust and unfair. She talked about our non-existent sex life and said she does want sex, but finds my body “repulsive” and that I do nothing for her. I’m not an Adonis, but I’m pretty OK for my age. She started raving about a “dream man” who she’d been talking to at work and said she found him sexy. Instead of sticking up for me, her friend just asked if she was going to “do anything” with him and both of them laughed. She told her friend about us having a conversation about getting a new bathroom and said that although she was being civil, in her mind she was saying, “Shut up, shut up” because she couldn’t stand hearing my voice. Should I confront her and try to sort it out or do you think it’s too late and my marriage is dead?
Coleen says
Yes, I do think you need to talk to her about it – it’s not something that’s going to go away. You can’t unhear it and if you don’t bring it up, your resentment will grow and your selfesteem will end up in the gutter. But you must do it calmly. Explain you heard everything she said about you and what she said about the guy at work. Tell her how hurt you are and it’s left you questioning whether there’s any point in staying married. If that’s how she really feels about you, then she ought to at least respect you enough to tell you and end the marriage. But don’t let it all be about what she wants – you need to think about whether you want to be with someone who can speak about you like that. I’d find it impossible to be intimate with someone who’d said that about me. Yes, women discuss personal things with friends, but to be that nasty shows no respect. If you do decide to try to make it work, then I’d strongly recommend professional help in the form of relationship counselling as it sounds like there’s a lot of resentment on both sides.