DAD DRINKING FEAR DRIVING ME TO ELOPE

Dear Coleen

My fiancé and I have been engaged for over a year and are getting nowhere with our planning, mainly because of our families. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and, at my sister’s wedding two years ago, the stress and atmosphere caused him to fall off the wagon. He was drunk for days, the wedding was tarnished and he and my mother almost divorced. My mum has quietly asked me to elope, as this would prevent the risk of my dad drinking without him feeling hurt over not being invited. However, my partner’s family are looking forward to a big family wedding. I feel sorry for his mum because he’s her only child, so this is the only time she’d see her offspring get married. My fiancé would like to have his family there, but says he’s happy to elope if it’s what I want. Any ideas?

Coleen says

If a big wedding is what you want, instead of brushing it under the carpet, why not sit down as a family and have a conversation that includes your dad? You can talk about your fears and explain you don’t want him to feel stressed. And if there are bits about the day he finds stressful, like the speech or even the walk down the aisle, someone else could take care of those things. Get his input about what he thinks he can cope with. These days, people aren’t hung up about traditions. I made the big speech on my wedding day. You can do it as you want to do it, and who cares what others think? Your dad might even suggest he doesn’t come, or that he comes for part of the day – or even that the two of you elope. He knows the triggers. An honest discussion is best. I think it would be more hurtful for him not to be consulted, and to find out you’d been conspiring behind his back.